Well That Didn't Work

MY FAITH IN HUMANITY (OR LACK THEREOF)
So, I went out with Adi and her friends Fiona, Mel, Dylan, and Paul last night to celebrate her 19th birthday. There was drinking in Dylan's room, getting lost for an hour and half trying to find the male strip club Adi insisted on going to (because no one would listen to me when I said I knew how to get there,) and, of course, the strip club itself. Ah, the strip club...men hanging on poles, forcing their penises into the faces of the patrons attracted to such things...it was an interesting experience at best.

I didn't realize just how conservative I was until I got to school. I'm politically liberal, but behaviorally conservative. I don't smoke, I barely drink, I wear fairly conservative clothing, I have no tattoos or odd piercings, I don't club or party, I feel uncomfortable at strip clubs...after complaining to my mother earlier that I always feel like I'm more mature than the people around me, especially when it comes to men, I started wondering, am I mistaking conservativism with maturity?

I always feel like I'm more mature than the company I keep, but am I really more mature, or simply more conservative? Can it be both? It's not just my conservative behavior that leads me to believe I'm more mature than most of the people I know, it's what I think about, where my priorities lie as well. I'm ready for some serious classes, I'm ready for a serious relationship...

I'm just so disappointed in people right now. Adi, especially after last night. Alex, for consistently being unwilling to make time for me (claiming he's too busy even though it seems everytime I enter his room, there he is playing a video game on his computer) and for doing nothing but criticizing me when we do cross paths. John, who is perfectly sweet, but only talks to me when he wants my ID, which is really my fault as I have told him he can use it whenever he'd like (and he can.) Dennis, for way too many things to list. My sister, for routinely complaining about not having a relationship with me, but who does nothing to further the advancement of one, even after I made a truly significant effort. My father, for being completely apathetic towards me. Men, for being immature, sex-craved children. And, of course, me, for letting all of this get into my head. Regardless of who, specifically had made it onto this list, I'm really disappointed in people as a general group. I guess I just expect too much from them. I mean, I'm not better than anyone, so I figure if I go out of my way to make sure all of my friends are doing alright, a simple "are you alright?" isn't too much to expect from them. Everyone is just too self-involved (not in a snobby way, in a busy, problems of their own way) to offer help unless it's specifically requested of them and even then, as is the case with Alex, they don't always offer assistance.

When I got here, I was really reserved (I know you're asking how the hell...) I didn't tell anyone about myself. Alex, Mitch, and Adi encouraged me to open up and share my problems. Well, things have been really bad in the last few weeks and for the first time, I tried reaching out for someone, a few someones, and you know what? None of them were around, and now I'm even more frustrated than I would've been, and kind of hurt.

Between that, and men, and my family, I just have no faith in humanity anymore. That one nice thing I wrote about wanting yesterday, what I guess that really means is I want someone to shatter my pessimistic views of the world and tell me everything'll be alright; I want someone to prove me wrong. Comments ()

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