Well That Didn't Work

WHERE I STAND
I recognize that I have been obsessing over relationships for a while...I feel the need to explain a few things.

First of all, I don't miss Dennis, per se. What I mean is, I don't miss "his stupid jokes," or "his goofy smile" or his anything; I miss what he represents, I miss the amazing relationship we shared. I confess that that is not originally all I missed, but I no longer miss Dennis as a person. I miss that feeling I had that I knew I was loved, truly loved. I miss having someone to give my love to, I have so very much of it. Ya, I have my friends here and, of course, I know they care about me, and I love them to death, but it's not the same.

Second, I recognize that I don't need a guy to validate me. I know I'm smart, I know I'm attractive, etc. It's not a matter of missing how my relationship with Dennis made me feel--because I still feel smart and attractive and all that jazz--it's about love. I want to be in a relationship because I want love, both to give and receive.

Third, I know that if I wanted to, I could be in a relationship right now, I simply haven't found the right guy yet. I don't think I'm being terribly picky, but I probably am. I want a guy who's smart (that's HUGE) and nice, funny, loving, trustworthy, etc. Handsome doesn't hurt, but looks aren't nearly as important as that other stuff.

Fourth, I'm scared out of my mind that I'll never find someone that I'll share as good a relationship as I did with Dennis. We really had no problems. We didn't fight, we could talk for hours, we were just good together. How can I expect to find something better than perfect. Ok, so nothing's perfect...I'll rephrase. If I can't think of a single thing that could've made my relationship with Dennis better (I mean just our relationship b/c obviously, living 30 minutes away from one another wasn't ideal,) how can I expect to find anything more? (Side note-Alex says "It can always be better, he could've had a 10 inch cock, for example."-that's Alex for ya.)I'm scared that not only will I never find a relationship as good as ours, but that it'll never be that innocent again...it's all games and deception.

And I'm scared that no one will ever truly love me...If you've been reading my blog and don't think I'm completely insane, than I may not be the only one.

I used to constantly tell Dennis how lucky I felt to have found him at such a young age. WILL EVERYONE STOP TELLING ME THAT I'M "ONLY 18" PLEASE? It's like that line from A Few Good Men, "It doesn't matter what I believe! It only matters what I can prove!" It doesn't matter how old I am, it only matters how old I feel(and what I've done with the years.) I am making an effort to feel my age though. After finally severing ties with Dennis, I'd wanted to go partying or clubbing or do something "wild" over the weekend, but I was sick and exhausted so all I did was have a beer, my first. This weekend, however, I'm feeling better, so I'm going with Adi and Alex to a fraternity party...oh, and I'm getting a second piercing in my ear. Adi's getting another one as well, I don't know what number this will be for her.

I'm scared of myself too, do you know how frightening that is, to be afraid of yourself? I don't mean sometimes either, I mean always. I promise, that shall be the topic of my next entry...in the mean time, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Sweet dreams! Comments ()

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