Well That Didn't Work

EVERYONE I LOVE GOES AWAY IN THE END
This song always brings me to tears, but honestly, the real issue is closure.

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever -- gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do...believe in it. Bottom line...is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right, and they're real lucky. One of them will say something."

I really thought that was us. I wish understood what happened...that's all I really wish I knew. I will accept that its over afterall, I just need answers to find closure. Why was it so sudden? What was he thinking on Friday when he finally made the decision? Is he sad about losing this or is he sad about hurting me? What the hell was Monday? I don't understand. I didn't change, he didn't change...how can you stop loving someone if nothing about them or you has changed? Its just the circumstance, I swear. A crappy summer following a difficult spring...he didn't listen to me when I suggested there was something wrong with us...he admits I was right...why won't he listen to me now? Damn it. This is completely out of his character which is one of the reasons I never expected it. He's normally so decisive and it took him 10 days to figure this out...and he was always the confident one.

Only 3 months ago he was crying hysterically because I told him I hadn't like AU when I returned from orientation. He was so scared I'd leave. Only three weeks ago he was telling me that my fear didn't matter becuase we loved each other. He talked about the dog we were going to get...I think what really hurts about all this is that he was the one that was so confident. He was the one that always talked about the future. He was the one that said we could get through anything...why the hell didn't I listen to him then? He was the one that said "I love you" first. I was stupid and scared and I'm not anymore.

He asked me "after almost 20 months, you would want to try to start over?" Why not...we have nothing to lose. He said it wasn't worth trying because he didn't think he could ever love me again. Why is that? What do we have to lose by trying? Nothing at all.

I still believe I'm beautiful. And sexy. And smart. I wouldn't have before, but I do now. The irony of it all is that I think the reason I'll ultimately be able to get through all of this is because of the strength he showed me that I had. I just love him so much. He was just everything I ever wanted in life and he's such a wonderful person. How could this have happened, its us. I don't understand.
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