Well That Didn't Work

FOR THREE DAYS
I've never completely understood how my parents managed to fall in love with one another; their differences have become more and more apparent to me as I've gotten older. My mother was raised in an upper class home in the south; her father was a doctor, her mother a social butterfly, and she, the youngest of their two children. She and my uncle, Brian, were raised in a proper manner. Dinner parties and gowns were typical of the life she led, as were dancing and being courted by a number of eligible young men. When I started dating in high school, she asked me, "Why are you only going out with that one boy? When I was in high school, I had a date with a different boy every weekend." Upon her graduation from her all-girls school, she was accepted into the University of Texas, where she planned to study journalism or public relations. She met my father while considering transferring from her southern university to his northern, Ivy League school during her sophomore year; they were both 19.

He'd been raised in a home typical of a New Jersey family. Although his father was a doctor like my mother's, he was the youngest of five children, making the lifestyle she'd enjoyed impossible for him to have had. They met through a casual friend, he fell for her and, shortly thereafter, transferred to her southern home to win her heart, although it needed little convincing. Looking at my father now, I actually have to force myself to believe that he was ever such a romantic. Apparently, he called his parents the night he met my mother and informed them that he had met the girl he was going to marry. They did so one year after their graduation in August, 1983.

Their contrasting upbringings have not been lost on me, the sides of my family couldn't be any more different. I spent this weekend with my mother's side of my extended family, my uncle and grandparents. Whereas that side of my family is comprised of only three members, my father's side of the family is comprised of four sets of aunts and uncle's, their assembled children (my nine cousins,) and my grandmother, not to mention the relatives of relatives that continually find their way to the table on various holidays, but are seldom heard from elsewhere.

Anyway, as I said, I spent this weekend with my mother's side of the family. My grandmother's 70th birthday was this past Monday and, to celebrate, she, my grandfather, and my uncle decided to spend a weekend in New York. At my grandmother's insistence, they stayed in Manhattan, instead of with us only 30 minutes away. She wanted to enjoy the city in all it's glory. Thus, they all stayed in a hotel on Central Park South, just off of 5th avenue. I wouldn't expect less from my grandparents. I love them, and though they sound like lushes, they are some of the most down to earth, kind people I could ever hope to meet. Still, $500 meals are not uncommon when dining with my mother's side of the family. When I was twelve or so, my grandfather treated us (himself, my grandfather, my uncle, my mother, my father, my sister and me) to a meal at a restaurant that's name I can't recall. It was a multi-course meal, served on the finest china, with sorbet between courses to cleanse the palette, etc, etc, etc. The meal was $100+ per person. Friday night, after walking around 5th Avenue (listening to my grandmother go on about the jewelry in the window of Tiffanys' and Harry Winston's and how she couldn't wear such elaborate pieces anymore...talking of the glamorous life she left when she, or rather, her husband, went into retirement) we ate at Peter Luger's Steak House...and, to further illustrate my point, on Saturday night, we ate in an a formal Italian restaurant on the upper west side...which totaled nearly $600 including tip.

I greatly enjoy spending time with that side of my family, quite a bit so more than with my other (spent mostly watching television with my cousins in silence while our parents gossip amongst themselves.) It's not because they dote on me (which they do) it's the culture and knowledge I'm immersed in when I'm with them, not to mention the affection, which is noticeable...in contrast to the silence aforementioned. My grandparents and uncle taught me nearly all I know about fine wines, theater, foreign cuisine, geography, flowers, cooking, etc. I'm very well-rounded in that respect...

And while I enjoy Gus and Gus' (a friend chicken place in Delaware, swarming in flies that the entirety of my father's side of the family dines in each August,) back yard barbecues, and other paternal relative-related activities, I truly enjoy making Japanese floral arrangements with my uncle, discussing Hungarian politics with my grandfather, and learning how to identify a fake diamond from my grandmother. I'm driven by a desire to learn...that side of my family feeds that desire...

I know this must sound pretentious; I promise you, my life isn't and neither am I. My grandparents don't live in a mansion, they just managed their money well and spend it (albeit in excess) on important occasions. I wouldn't want to buy anything I saw in Tiffany's or the hideous $500 hat I tried on at Bergdorf Goodman as a joke...we were all simply looking for fun...mocking who would buy something as hideous, especially when it could be purchased at Target for only $5. I enjoyed being on 5th Avenue, and pretending I had the money to buy every shiny object I passed, knowing full well that if I had that kind of money, I still wouldn't have bought anything I saw. Still, it was nice to pretend, to get out of my house...I've been home for only 9 days and I already want to kill myself or a member (or three) of my family...

It was nice to pretend I didn't live here...to pretend I could immerse myself in the culture of a city like New York surrounded by intelligent people, that I could afford to go to the theater on a regular basis...instead of watching television for hours with my sister (who, despite good grades, is more a memorizer of facts than truly intelligent. Mind you, I'm not saying I am.)

I'm trying not to sound like a snob, knowing full well that that is, in fact, what I sound like, but like I said, I thrive on learning and, as my loyal readers and friends know, I get depressed when I'm bored...I've been bored for months, moreso now that I'm in New Jersey (the bane of my existence.) For three days though, I learned...I learned about everything. My sister and father's presence on the second and third day of my family's visit to the area didn't help...*sigh*

Damn, I'm just rambling now...I'd best go. Comments ()
HERE I AM AT THE END OF MY FRESHMAN YEAR
It was a good year in some respects, a bad one in others. Almost every reason I had for coming to AU has fallen through. I changed majors at least half a dozen times. I was dumped and have started moving on. I have a bunch of friends who helped me get to that point. I have a best friend. I've learned a lot about myself. I was very sick and pushed through anyway(I could be happier with my grades, but given the circumstances, I don't think many could fault me.) I've had 20 guys interested in me, 7 guys kiss me, and a few dates. I have a bunch of good (I can barely believe it) stories to tell. I have one more year behind me.

They tell me I've gotten a $40,000 education. I've grown, and I've learned, but amazingly little from class.

My mom called earlier. "Congratulations, you're not a freshman anymore...wait a minute...that means you're a soph...I met your father when I was a so..." It was best to let her go there; she was holding back tears. I love my mom.

I'm leaving to return to NJ on Friday so I've been trying to take advantage of my time left here, hence, I am awake at 6:30, which I've learned is not an odd bedtime afterall. No less, it's far past mine...g'night. Comments ()
I MADE MYSELF SICK
That's right, I made myself sick. I was so upset last night that I worked my way to a lovely stress stomach ache. I hate it when that happens. I took a 30 minute shower to calm down...just sat in the shower stall, letting the water run down on me and warm my skin.

The mood I was in was not conducive to studying for the physics exam I had this morning, so I probably failed it. I wish I was kidding.

The rest of my day was spent in bed, unwinding...daydreaming. Comments ()
MY FAITH IN HUMANITY (OR LACK THEREOF)
So, I went out with Adi and her friends Fiona, Mel, Dylan, and Paul last night to celebrate her 19th birthday. There was drinking in Dylan's room, getting lost for an hour and half trying to find the male strip club Adi insisted on going to (because no one would listen to me when I said I knew how to get there,) and, of course, the strip club itself. Ah, the strip club...men hanging on poles, forcing their penises into the faces of the patrons attracted to such things...it was an interesting experience at best.

I didn't realize just how conservative I was until I got to school. I'm politically liberal, but behaviorally conservative. I don't smoke, I barely drink, I wear fairly conservative clothing, I have no tattoos or odd piercings, I don't club or party, I feel uncomfortable at strip clubs...after complaining to my mother earlier that I always feel like I'm more mature than the people around me, especially when it comes to men, I started wondering, am I mistaking conservativism with maturity?

I always feel like I'm more mature than the company I keep, but am I really more mature, or simply more conservative? Can it be both? It's not just my conservative behavior that leads me to believe I'm more mature than most of the people I know, it's what I think about, where my priorities lie as well. I'm ready for some serious classes, I'm ready for a serious relationship...

I'm just so disappointed in people right now. Adi, especially after last night. Alex, for consistently being unwilling to make time for me (claiming he's too busy even though it seems everytime I enter his room, there he is playing a video game on his computer) and for doing nothing but criticizing me when we do cross paths. John, who is perfectly sweet, but only talks to me when he wants my ID, which is really my fault as I have told him he can use it whenever he'd like (and he can.) Dennis, for way too many things to list. My sister, for routinely complaining about not having a relationship with me, but who does nothing to further the advancement of one, even after I made a truly significant effort. My father, for being completely apathetic towards me. Men, for being immature, sex-craved children. And, of course, me, for letting all of this get into my head. Regardless of who, specifically had made it onto this list, I'm really disappointed in people as a general group. I guess I just expect too much from them. I mean, I'm not better than anyone, so I figure if I go out of my way to make sure all of my friends are doing alright, a simple "are you alright?" isn't too much to expect from them. Everyone is just too self-involved (not in a snobby way, in a busy, problems of their own way) to offer help unless it's specifically requested of them and even then, as is the case with Alex, they don't always offer assistance.

When I got here, I was really reserved (I know you're asking how the hell...) I didn't tell anyone about myself. Alex, Mitch, and Adi encouraged me to open up and share my problems. Well, things have been really bad in the last few weeks and for the first time, I tried reaching out for someone, a few someones, and you know what? None of them were around, and now I'm even more frustrated than I would've been, and kind of hurt.

Between that, and men, and my family, I just have no faith in humanity anymore. That one nice thing I wrote about wanting yesterday, what I guess that really means is I want someone to shatter my pessimistic views of the world and tell me everything'll be alright; I want someone to prove me wrong. Comments ()
ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS...
...thank GOD April is over. Comments ()

Contact Me