Well That Didn't Work

I'M NOT THE FUCKING CIA
Ok, so everyone's been telling me I'm a secretive person lately...as if I didn't know. Let me assure you, I most certainly know that I am a secretive person. My three closest friends in high school didn't know I'd been dating Dennis until we'd been going out for four months. If you wanna get really into it, no one in high school knew much about me. I heard all kinds of crazy rumors--everything from that I was from South Africa to that I was actually a graduate student acting like a high school student to do research for a paper. Ya, people are dumb...

I don't know why people would voluntarily enter crazy town, but ok...what do you all want to know? What the bloody hell do you all want to know?!?!

I was born in Oklahoma on August 5th, 1986. When I was about one, we moved to Naperville, Illinois (a little bit outside Chicago) where my sister was born 7 months later. Her name is Nicki and she and I are complete opposites down to smallest of details. When I was two and a half or so, we all moved to Arlington, Texas, where I lived until I was 11.

I went to public school from 1st to 3rd grade before my mother decided I'd do well in a private school. The story that accompanies that decision is as follows: In the middle of 3rd grade, my teachers called my mother and asked her to join them for a parent-teacher conference at the school. Basically, they wanted to move me from the highest classes to the most remedial ones based solely on the suggestion of my math teacher, who informed my mother that all I did during her class was stare at the ceiling. My mother, who felt patronized by my teachers who seemed to believe she was simply some crazed mother who believed her daughter was a genius, asked them to wait for five minutes. She proceeded to walk across the street to our house to retrieve a stack of papers from the little desk in my bedroom. She returned and angrily (an emotion not usually displayed by my mother) thrust the papers towards my math teacher. "Do you recognize these?" she asked, quite condescendingly. My math teacher glanced at my other teachers in shock and quietly responded that the papers were covered with the answers to every question in our math book.

"And what chapter are you on with the other students?" my mother asked.
"4," she said.
"Out of?"
"16."
"So maybe Sami's (I swear if any of you call me that, I will murder you in your sleep) not stupid, maybe she's bored."

Here's the difference between public school and private school: when my math teacher in 5th grade (at the private school) noticed me staring at the ceiling tiles, she placed me into algebra with the 8th graders. Sadly, the kids at the private school tormented me just as much as the kids at the public school had. I was socially awkward for many, many years because of my academic achievements. The older kids and the kids that were my age always seemed to hate me for the same reasons: I was in classes I shouldn't have been in and I was extremely weird.

Anyway, when I was 11, I went to Space Camp. I got home to find my house of eight and a half years in boxes and was told that I'd be moving to Connecticut in a matter of weeks. I didn't take well to the move, but ended up loving Connecticut. The public schools there were better than my private school in Texas and I made a couple of good friends. I was really lucky I went there before I moved to New Jersey. Everything I was supposed to learn in high school, I learned while studying at Middlebrook Middle School.

I hated moving to New Jersey, but figured I'd get used to it, like I got used to Connecticut. Not the case, unfortunately. I don't remember the second half of 8th grade (which I spent at Roosevelt Middle School) in New Jersey because I blocked it all out. High School was a nightmare academically and socially for me (trust me, you don't want me to go into it, but if curiosity gets the best of you, check some of the archives for general information,) but I excelled in extra-curriculars. I was the president and founder of the Photography Club, President of the Chess Club, Captain of the Quiz Team, a lawyer on Mock Trial Team, public relations chair for the Health Club, vice president of Model U.N., manager of the Cross-Country Team, etc, etc, etc. Only one good thing came of living in New Jersey: Dennis. He changed my life and, though I hate what has happened, I will be forever grateful for everything he did for me.

I came to AU for a number of reasons, all of which have fallen through, but I still love it here. I'm crazy, if you haven't realized. For that reason, among many others, I am interested in EVERYTHING, which has made choosing a major exceedingly difficult. What else do you want to know? I've been atheist since I was 11 or 12, but I was raised in a Jewish home. I'm willing to talk about almost anything. I rarely talk about my health or sex as it relates to me, but other than that, I'm an open book.

So what do you all want from me, huh? Do you wanna know about how I cry because I can't understand what I'm thinking most of the time, how I got very close to believing in God when I met Dennis because of how lucky I felt to have him in my life, how I have practically no relationship with my family, the times my dad's hit me, my mom's cancer? Or do you just want to know my favorite color and song?

What do you all want from me?

In case you were wondering, my favorite color is Texas sunset and my favorite song has been "If I Am" by Nine Days for nearly 5 years. Comments ()
FRIGHTENING
Adi was lecturing me about how many "great guys" I've turned down since Dennis earlier. I told her it wasn't as many as she thought and she started counting......18! I couldn't believe it. It's flattering and yet...here I am. No less: Scott, Eric, Charlie, Ian, Zak, Mitch, Alex, Conrad, Justin, David, Jeremy, Tommy, Jeff, Jeff, Mike, Frank, Jon and Joe. Wow. Comments ()
AU WON'T LET ME MAJOR IN EVERYTHING
Would I be happy double majoring in history and psychology? The more I learn about each, the more invested in them I become. I can see myself studying one in graduate school and working in either. Wow, that is interesting...I might've figured my life out (at least this part of it.)
Political Science
Communications
Business
History
Education
International Studies
Math
Psychology
Engineering--I really don't want to cross this off, but it seems completely impractical.

So, basically, the only thing holding me back from this double major is my stupid Disney daydream...I should psychoanalyze that. Plus, I'd get to stay here! I can major in both and not leave AU and all my friends. I love it here...socially speaking. Ok, I have to go call some people about switching into the College of Arts and Sciences. Bye bye School of Public Affairs. : o ) Comments ()
ALL KINDS OF THINGS TO REPORT TODAY
Adi and I went to Georgetown yesterday afternoon. There's a place down there called Jinxproof Tattoos and Piercings. : o ) I got my upper left ear pierced. I like it a lot. After that, Adi and I went clothes shopping for a bit. I got a blouse and a t-shirt (I'm sure you all care so much.)

I went to my first real party last night. Mitch's fraternity, Delta Tau Delta, was throwing a party for their pledges at Guapo's, a local restaurant known for its lax enforcement of alcohol laws. It is their leniency with the regards to underage drinking that keeps them in business; every organization on campus books Guapo's for their parties. Anyway, the party was cool. I "danced" (I don't consider grinding to be a form of dancing) with Mitch and Frank, had a beer...it was alright. I don't know what else to say about it. I wouldn't call it fun, but it was chill, lol.--Even I find it funny that I just used the word "chill."

Today was an adventure. Alex and I schleped out to Maryland to get grey hair dye I'll explain later, I'm tired and lazy right now.

Yay, London in 9 days! I can't believe it all happened so quickly. Ok, that's it. Peace.

P.S.-Fuck relationships and stupid two year anniversaries. Comments ()
I'M ALL OVER THE PLACE
Hello all! It's good to back at AU, yes it is. The debate team was invited to William and Mary's annual tournament that took place this past weekend. Our team left campus at 12:30 on Friday and arrived there around 3:30. The tournament itself began around 4:30 (Zak and I debated against the most experienced team on the circuit first round) and, since the tournaments always run behind schedule, we finished our third round a little past midnight. Then, we all went to "evening festivities" (it can't be called a party, what party, there was a party?) which can only be described as having bad beer and good company. The lack of god alcohol, however, did not stop Connie (one of our two top debaters) from getting extremely drunk. Zak stayed up all night taking care of her and she spend all day Saturday throwing up. In all fairness, she probably had the flue in addition to a hangover. Regardless, Connie's partner, Jessie, had to compete alone, Zak was exhausted during our rounds, and (to make matters worse,) my voice came and went on Saturday as a result of the very uncomfortable 2 hours of sleep I got the night before on the floor of a freezing cold dorm there. I did, however, make a few new friends from various schools, but especially the team from GWU, which is excellent because they are so close to us. One of their debaters, a junior named Justin, asked me to dinner; he seems decent enough. I doubt it'll go anywhere, but we're going to go for Japanese later this week.

Not much happened yesterday. I caught up on the sleep I missed while at William and Mary (debate is surprisingly tiring) and attempted to catch up on some of the work I'd fallen behind on. When I awoke from my deep slumber (about 3 in the afternoon) I was greeted by an instant message from my friend Jeff, who is currently studying abroad in London. I've mentioned him before (see November 9, 2004) He asked me out (only after leaving for Great Britain) and he and I have been toying with the idea, but that's not the point I'm going for here...He and I were talking online yesterday and, long story really short, he invited me to visit him over spring break. I found a flight for $400 (relatively inexpensive) and since I'd stay with Jeff, I wouldn't have to pay for a hotel, etc, etc. Point is, not only would I get to see Jeff, I'd get to go to London for a little more than the cost of air-fare. I may even get to see Paris! I asked my mom and she's gonna get back to me about it; her tone was pretty positive though.

I may get to go to Europe! I may get to go to Europe! Yay!

Wow, excitement...me...odd. Comments ()
WHERE I STAND
I recognize that I have been obsessing over relationships for a while...I feel the need to explain a few things.

First of all, I don't miss Dennis, per se. What I mean is, I don't miss "his stupid jokes," or "his goofy smile" or his anything; I miss what he represents, I miss the amazing relationship we shared. I confess that that is not originally all I missed, but I no longer miss Dennis as a person. I miss that feeling I had that I knew I was loved, truly loved. I miss having someone to give my love to, I have so very much of it. Ya, I have my friends here and, of course, I know they care about me, and I love them to death, but it's not the same.

Second, I recognize that I don't need a guy to validate me. I know I'm smart, I know I'm attractive, etc. It's not a matter of missing how my relationship with Dennis made me feel--because I still feel smart and attractive and all that jazz--it's about love. I want to be in a relationship because I want love, both to give and receive.

Third, I know that if I wanted to, I could be in a relationship right now, I simply haven't found the right guy yet. I don't think I'm being terribly picky, but I probably am. I want a guy who's smart (that's HUGE) and nice, funny, loving, trustworthy, etc. Handsome doesn't hurt, but looks aren't nearly as important as that other stuff.

Fourth, I'm scared out of my mind that I'll never find someone that I'll share as good a relationship as I did with Dennis. We really had no problems. We didn't fight, we could talk for hours, we were just good together. How can I expect to find something better than perfect. Ok, so nothing's perfect...I'll rephrase. If I can't think of a single thing that could've made my relationship with Dennis better (I mean just our relationship b/c obviously, living 30 minutes away from one another wasn't ideal,) how can I expect to find anything more? (Side note-Alex says "It can always be better, he could've had a 10 inch cock, for example."-that's Alex for ya.)I'm scared that not only will I never find a relationship as good as ours, but that it'll never be that innocent again...it's all games and deception.

And I'm scared that no one will ever truly love me...If you've been reading my blog and don't think I'm completely insane, than I may not be the only one.

I used to constantly tell Dennis how lucky I felt to have found him at such a young age. WILL EVERYONE STOP TELLING ME THAT I'M "ONLY 18" PLEASE? It's like that line from A Few Good Men, "It doesn't matter what I believe! It only matters what I can prove!" It doesn't matter how old I am, it only matters how old I feel(and what I've done with the years.) I am making an effort to feel my age though. After finally severing ties with Dennis, I'd wanted to go partying or clubbing or do something "wild" over the weekend, but I was sick and exhausted so all I did was have a beer, my first. This weekend, however, I'm feeling better, so I'm going with Adi and Alex to a fraternity party...oh, and I'm getting a second piercing in my ear. Adi's getting another one as well, I don't know what number this will be for her.

I'm scared of myself too, do you know how frightening that is, to be afraid of yourself? I don't mean sometimes either, I mean always. I promise, that shall be the topic of my next entry...in the mean time, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Sweet dreams! Comments ()
IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD
Why do I feel so alone? I'm not, am I? Comments ()
CARDS ON THE TABLE
The guy I dated before Dennis' name was Nick; he was a year older than me and we dated for two months before looking at each other one night cracking up laughing at the fact that neither one of us was really into it. My friend Desiree didn't seem to understand that Nick and I didn't break up so much as we stopped dating and kept trying to console me. It was early January 2003 and I assured her that if I really wanted a date for Valentine's Day, I'd have one. I'm not sure why I told her that, there were a few months between my first relationship and my second, a year between my second and third and a few months between him and Nick, but regardless, I told her I wouldn't be single on Valentine's Day as I had been every one before. Valentine's Day '03-My first kiss with my soon-to-be-boyfriend, Dennis.

I'm in no rush and I'm not worried about finding a new boyfriend. Not here. The current tally stands somewhere between 10 and 14...not how it sounds, I swear. The problem is that while finding someone to date is easy, finding someone you want to date isn't...I don't think I'm being that picky either.

Alex made a comment to me in passing last week...we were talking about what we look for in someone...I told him the basics (sweet, funny, attractive never hurts) but I told him that one of the reasons Dennis and I worked was because he and I were of comparable intelligence (we could talk, really talk) so I needed someone I could talk with. I tried to explain it for a few minutes before he interrupted with a "You have to respect the guy." And there it is. Comments ()
OMG,HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
God, I feel like such a bitch, but...hahahaha....it's the little things in life that make it worth living...LMAO.

I just saw a picture of Dennis' new girlfriend...wow, I'm horrible. I'm sure she's a nice girl but...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Comments ()
VALENTINE'S DAY
I'm just gonna get this out of the way. Adi brought it to my attention that I kinda have a (small) thing for our friend, Alex. He and I can talk for hours and I get a lot from talking with him. Key word: with. I enjoy our conversations immensely. I told him. Interestingly enough, he was thinking he liked me too. We both know we can't date (I'll get to why, hold your horses) but I was really happy to hear that someone I respect and enjoy spending time with as much as Alex feels the same about me. Like I said though, we can't date.

For one thing, his roommate may or may not like me. We know he did, but neither of us has a clue as to whether or not he still does.

Second, he and I are friends and share a good number of other friends...we can't risk changing the dynamic of our entire group.

Third, and most importantly, cuz the first two we could work around, Alex feels he shouldn't be in a relationship right now for reasons that I am not at liberty to share.

It's no big deal, which is great. I mean, it'd be nice--he's certainly adorable and I can' think of anyone who I'd rather spend my time with at the moment. Oh, and he's hysterically funny...he makes me laugh, I mean, really laugh. I think I've made it quite clear how smart he is==but it's actually fine that we're not gonna go out and it doesn't seem to have affected our friendship...at all. I still feel happy knowing that he felt similarly...

...and, while I still find myself without a Valentine, I have two things better: some amazing friends and the knowledge that if Dennis came over today and asked me to take him back, I'd say no. Comments ()
A 3:00AM FOOD FIGHT
I couldn't sleep. I was upset about being sick and the practical refusal of my parents and doctor to help me...turned out for the best though:

Part of the Aftermath

Toes and Cheese ('Nuff said.)

Still can't sleep, but I'm in a much better mood. Comments ()
UNRELATABLE
Disclaimer:This is honesty. If it sounds arrogant, it is and I'm sorry.

"Unrelatable," that's what Adi called me on Saturday night. We were talking through an argument we'd had earlier when she said something to me that was both flattering and upsetting; she said she always felt inferior to me. Adter she'd explained herself, I carefully phrased the following question: "Do I do or say things that you feel belittle you in some way?" "That's the thing," she said, "You don't. It's just you." Then the word "unrelatable" came up. "You're so smart that I feel like it makes you unrelatable to me." I insisted to her that I wasn't as smart as she was making me out to be. She rolled her eyes and said "whatever" half under her breath. The fight was long over by this point; we were just talking. Unrelatable? "Maybe you're just keeping yourself from recognizing how smart you are just like you won't let yourself admit you like Alex." (Long story for my next entry.)

Truth is, I know damn well how smart I am, I just don't shout it from the rooftops, though I want to more and more as each day passes by. I am DANGEROUSLY smart. When people ask me if I think I'm smart, my response is usually "Do I think I'm smart? Sure. Am I a genius? Of course not, but smart...yeah." You know what? That's complete B.S. My high school had me IQ tested when I was 15. You know what my score was? Neither do I, the administrators of the test said I'd beaten it, they couldn't measure my score. I was the only one they'd ever seen do that. I get depressed when I'm not being stimulated enough and I get bored really easily. I have interest in almost everything and am damn good at most of it. There's little I can't do and I know it.

There, I said what I was thinking. You may now open fire. Comments ()
EXPLANATION
Rather than type up an entire entry on why I told Dennis I never wanted to see him again, I decided to post this, a conversation with my wonderful friend, Mikey, explaining the same thing...

Mikey: hey beautiful
Me: Hey Mikey. What's going on?
Mikey: oh my, thanks for asking. let's see... my glasses broke, so i've been wearing contacts for the first time in 3 years. but they hurt to no end, so right now i'm just blind...i only got 5 hours of sleep because there were high kids in my room watching "greg the bunny" until 3:30 in the morning...i'm going through incredible sex (or any sort of action) withdrawal, and i've actually made passes at a couple of girls to no avail...and everyone is either gone or asleep, so without you, i'd be bored beyond your wildest imagination right now.
Mikey: so... how are you?
Me: Read my blog lately?
Mikey: i did a few days ago
Me: I update usually all at once...I've been writing my entries in classes, waiting until the end of the week and putting 'em all in at once.
Mikey: i see your beautiful board
Mikey: HAHAHAH
Me: Like? Leave a comment then!
Mikey: but i have nothing to say. i'm talking to you right now!
Me: How about, hahaha. Sam, you're so funny.
Me: jk
Mikey: done and done. you told dennis you never wanted to see him again?
Me: Indeed....Alex cheered me up fairly quickly with that Family Guy thing...he was sincere about the ice cream and the mcdonalds and then thought of the rest of it
Mikey: good for you
Me: Meh
Mikey: so why'd you decide to tell dennis you never wanted to see him again? what happened?
Me: He asked someone else out and lied about it..it was the lying thing
Mikey: :(
Me: ...and his definition of friendship and mine are drastically diffferent, I mean ridiculously so. He's an amazing boyfriend and a really shitty friend.
Mikey: i'm sorry, baby
Me: I mean, you and I don't get to see each other much...it sucks, but we talk
Mikey: of course
Me: He doesn't talk to anyone he went to high school with until he gets back to NJ. Ever. I have an interest in what's going on in your life. He doesn't care about anything that goes on in mine, etc. One of his friends is somewhat "unstable" and, despite the fact that she lives next door to him (literally,) I was the one making emergency phone calls a few months ago...you see?
Mikey: well that's all a shame. you care so much about him, and he should at least return a mordicum of that to you
Me: So, he lied to me about this other girl. Ya, I would've been jealous, but stll happy for him had he told me
Mikey: i can surely understand why you're upset
Me: ...and yet, he still hooked up with me...
Mikey: especially for that
Me: ...admitted he'd been confused...and stressed and that his feelings for me changed when his feelings for everything else changed in response to his confusion and stress...said he loved me
Mikey: how did you find out that he asked the girl out? did he tell you at some point?
Me: Well, he said we could be Valentine's, just as friends....I mean, 3 Valentine's in a row....cute, right? Since he said he wasn't interested in anyone (and I know that he doesn't ask girls out that he just met) I assumed that one week wouldn't be a big deal, he wouldn't have a girlfriend by Valentine's Day.
Me: So, I did something really nice for him that cost me a lot of money, only to find out that he told me that knowing he was gonna ask out this other girl...or at least thinking about it.
Mikey: can i ask what you did for him?
Me: You know the Millburn Deli back in NJ?
Mikey: si
Me: They make an amazing sandwich called the Gobbler, that we both love. I had two sent here...frozen packing and blah, blah, blah...because he was telling me a while back about how much he missed them.
Mikey: awwww. you're way too sweet, baby. especially to someone who refuses to show that he cares about you. you're a dream girl, you really are.
Me: Well, he weazled out of that one nicely
Mikey: i'm glad you made your stand. you needed to.
Me: He didn't really care. I'm pretty sure it just didn't hit him, but when it does, its still not gonna be too bad, he has a girlfriend to comfort him.
Mikey: but it is going to be bad for him, because he'll eventually realize that he's lost the most wonderful woman he'll ever be with.
Me: I don't think so. He's not a very introspective person, he won't analyze it that much, I know that.
Mikey: well, if he doesn't realize that, then it was never meant to be in the first place.
Me: I may send him a "here's hoping this summer doesn't get you as down as the last" box when he goes to his dad's place this summer.
Mikey: do you really think he deserves that?
Me: I'm still worried about him, he's not doing well. When I was telling him all this, he asked who I was to analyze his feelings. I told him he'd never done it, I always did, that's why he came to the conclusions I did months after me.
Mikey: wow. i can't believe he'd ask you that
Me: and that none of his friends here can see the difference in how he is now from how he was. He used to be so happy, he's not anymore. He challenged that I wouldn't know cuz I"ve hardly spoken to him in 4 months...
Me: I asked him if I was wrong...
Me: Of course I wasn't
Mikey: of course not
Mikey: sammy, you really are an amazing person.
Me: lol...I'm really not, I just worry too much.
Mikey: i'm saying this in complete seriousness. you're every guy's fantasy. if someone hadn't already created my image of a dream girl (chelsea), you would be it.
you're what every guy wants. the problem is that you fell in love with the one guy who doesn't want you, and that's a bloody shame.
Me: I fell in love with him when he did. That's at least good
Mikey: it is but now you've taken a big step in pulling yourself away from him. time will only tell if the step was necessary, or if it was too big. but for now, i think it was your best course of action.
Me: True. I wish I was every guy's dream girl...
Mikey: you are to a lot of guys. or at least, you would be to more if more knew you. i don't know why someone wouldn't want you. you're the sweetest girl there is, you're a genius, you're incredibly hot, you're friendly towards nearly everyone, and you have a lot of love to give. seems like the perfect girl to me.
Me: Ya, well if I was, I'd have a boyfriend...
Mikey: well, then you should go to brandeis
Me: Meh, I'm fine without one, I really am. I know I'm smart, funny, and super sexy without one ( : o P) so certainly don't need a guy to validate me.
Me: Still, they're nice to have...relationships and such
Mikey: beeeeeeeeeeeeeelieve me, i know
Mikey: argh, it's 2:00, i have to shower. l8tr, k?
Me: haha, ok Comments ()
SAMANTHA'S PERSPECTIVE: VALENTINE'S DAY
I posted this on one of the dry-erase boards in the lobby of my dormitory building.

Enjoy. Comments ()
ALEX IS THE BEST
After the Dennis thing yesterday, he cheered me up with the following:

Alex: You want some ice cream?
Me: No.
Alex: You want some McDonalds?
Me: No.
Alex: You want to take a dump in Dennis' shoes?
Me: (getting the joke) Yeah.
Alex: Okay, let's go and take a dump in Dennis'shoes.

Still feeling good about it. Oh ya, and my dad's solution to my medication situation: go off 'em all and smoke a joint. Seriously. More on that later. Comments ()
INTERESTING
She's out of my life
She's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted
I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

I told Dennis I never wanted to see him again. I feel good about it. Comments ()
HAVE YOU EVER NOT RECOGNIZED YOURSELF?
Walking to class this morning, I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass of a trophy case out of the corner of my eye. I walking backwards a few steps and made eye contact with my reflection. I very nearly didn't recognize myself. She was absolutely gorgeous though it was clear while focusing on her burning eyes (glaring back at back at me with a vibrant, fiery passion that seemed to hide a great deal of pain) that her dress did not match her personality (her energy, her spunk, her unmissable passion.) I squinted my eyes to analyze her more carefully and as she did it back, I knew she was in my head, one step ahead of me. She knew she was gorgeous, she knew she was dangerously smart, she knew that the fire in her eyes was piercing my soul and she knew what it concealed. She knew.

Last Tuesday, February 1st, was the two year anniversary of the day I met Dennis. Matt, Kat and I had plans to go down to Georgetown to go shopping in the afternoon. It was a chilly, but nice day and my only sweatshirt was dirty so I went rummaging through my drawers to find a sweater. I have two though I hardly ever wear them. I reached down and grabbed a brown sweater and threw it on. In an instant I remembered why I hadn't worn the sweater in well over a year. I'd worn that shirt exactly two years prior, on the day I met Dennis. It was so innocent, that day...we talked all afternoon. Little did I know that only two short weeks later, we'd timidly share a first kiss that would be followed by dozens of other stages of sexual growth...we really were kids. I'd give anything to go back to that kind of innocence, anything. I mean, my first kiss with Danny, while nice, wasn't even close to my first kiss with Dennis, even though he couldn't kiss at the time (I was his first.) Even though Danny and I shared a first kiss that didn't stray beyond that, it wasn't a sweet, innocent moment. We weren't discovering anything new, even each other. I'd go back to my first kiss with Dennis in a second if I could, not to change anything, I'd keep it all, even what's happening now...I'd go back to that horrible time in my life for that innocence. Not in relation to Dennis, I want that innocence again...I was expecting it when Danny kissed me...I don't know if it's possible to get that back.

I've gone off topic (big surprise.) When I realized that I'd subconsciously chosen to wear that brown sweater for the first time in ages that day, I just stared at myself in the mirror. I watched as a ghost, an image of my likeness separated itself from my form. There she was, a girl wearing the same sweater as I only she wore it opposite khaki's while I stood casually in my jeans. She was a few pounds lighter than I and as I squinted to examine her, she seemed uneasy, nervous, almost scared. She had no idea why I was looking at her as I was. There were embers burning faintly behind the brown eyes she found plain. He pain, unhidden, that I saw in her eyes could have made the coldest grown man cry. And she didn't know. She was smart, she was pretty (though not a knockout like the girl I saw today-she couldn't be, she was nearly crippled by the pain she endured,) and while she knew it, she didn't believe it.

So, have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and not recognized the person you saw? For that matter, have you ever really looked at yourself?



Dennis-on the off chance you still read this, I hope what you're going through right now works out as well as my similar experience did. Comments ()
HAPPY SUPERBOWL SUNDAY
My friend Alex is a psychology major. As such, he loves trying to get inside people's heads. We've started getting close in the last couple of weeks because he's taken a tremendous interest in the fact that, no matter how hard he tries, he can't get into mine. He hates that! He can't stand that he knows mostly only what I want him to know. He asked me how much I think I'm in his head. Truth is, our X-Men powers (or rather, mutations--Alex loves X-Men and would kill me if I didn't clarify) are eerily similar: I get inside people's heads and can (but swear I don't)manipulate people and situations to my liking. The scary thing is, I'm not kidding. Alex, on the other hand, gets inside people's heads and points out and picks at their flaws, forcing them to analyze themselves and self destruct. In an X-Men comic, a battle between us would be never-ending. He'd try to point out my weaknesses and would gradually do damage (but very minimal, stretched over massive amounts of time since I already know most of my mental weaknesses since the first head I got into was mine) while I was getting into his head making him convince himself that destroying me really wasn't what he wanted to do...kinda cool when you think about it. We made an agreement tonight to stop trying to penetrate each other's thoughts. He seems to have as much respect for me as I do for him. He and I talk for hours, mostly about psych, but also about my Rogue-ish streak of gray hair (currently covered by brown dye,) X-Men, etc. We're gonna put the streak back in my hair, but silver...its just cooler.

He's practically (but more hinting "you're really good at this") begging me to be a psych major. I agree, I'd be damn good at it, ut I'm not sure how much of an interest I have in it. I love figuring people out, I love theorizing on why people do what they do, and I love predicting people's actions. After Dennis left on Saturday night, I had my a hicky (my first) on my neck. Later that evening, I was talking to Alex in his room when his roommate (and friend of mine,) Mitch, came in and asked Alex to join him outside for a cigarette. Mitch went down to the lobby while Alex helped me carry a few things back downstairs, still talking. As he left my room to meet Mitch downstairs, I mentioned quite casually and most jokingly, "I'll bet you twenty bucks that Mitch asks you about the hicky on my neck." "Nah," he said. "Mitch isn't that interested, I don't think." While he was proof reading a paper of mine this evening, Alex said "Fuck, I'll be right back." He returned and counted out $20 in singles. I had no idea what he was giving me money for. I make joke bets casually almost daily. "What's this for?" I asked completely puzzled. "First thing out of his mouth," he responded. We both just cracked up laughing. I insisted he take the money back, but he said he was really impressed and since he is rarely impressed with people, I deserved his money. I'm taking him to dinner with it Friday night with it. But I digress, I don't know what kind of interest I have in working in psychology, despite my immense interest in the subject. I doubt, considering my talkative nature, that I could sit and listen to people bitch about their problems all day. I suppose I could go into the research branch of the field. Alex has invited me to do so with him...I was extremely flattered.

On a side note, I feel that Mitch and I are getting closer bit by bit as well. After Alex went to bed, he and I stayed up until 4:00am talking. I ended up going to be around 5:30ish because when I got back to my room, Hannah could sleep so I played the part of counselor for a while. She and I rarely talk and yet she really opened up to me. Maybe I would be a good therapist.
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SO...
I spent the day with Dennis. It was really pleasant, as always. We kinda...hooked up again. He admitted that he was as stressed as I said he was months ago and that his feelings towards me changed when his feelings towards everything else changed, resulting from that stress...something else I mentioned to him at the time. But ya, we hooked up...again. I'm so....argh!!...just argh! Good note: We're gonna be Valentine's for the third year in a row.
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A FEW THINGS I HAVEN'T MENTIONED
Somehow, over the course of the last few weeks, I've failed to mention a few, relatively important, events of my oh-so-exciting day-to-day life. I'm sorry; I bow my head in shame. I could keep apologizing or I could get to the details...great...moving ahead.

1. I'm just starting to get over being quite sick. In fact, today was the first day since January 14th that I made it to my college writing course (the one with the really cool professor.) My doctor back in New Jersey started tampering with the dosage of one of my medications due to its ineffectiveness. Unfortunately, the increased dosage of that medication had a rather negative reaction with another medication I'm on. The combination made it virtually impossible for me to sleep. I got just over 20 hours of sleep in a 16-day span that ended this past Monday. On the nights that I did manage to get sleep, it was only for a few minutes because by the time I had tuckered myself out enough to fall asleep, it was 8:30ish in the morning and I have early classes. The lack of sleep quickly caught up with me and I began getting sick (flu-type sick) and missing them. It got so bad, last Friday, for example, that I would randomly go into shock; my body would start shaking uncontrollably, my temperature was changing extremely quickly, etc. After staying awake through the highest safe dosage of Sonata, the doctor FINALLY called me back this past Monday and knocked me out with a combination of Benadryl and this stuff called Seroquel. I'm beginning to get back to a normal (at least for a college student) sleep schedule.

2. I've had and ended a new relationship. His name was Danny, he's a junior at Georgetown, we met through a mutual friend, and we broke up yesterday. I broke up with him. I did it because while he's smart, sweet, and absolutely gorgeous, he has some major trust issues. He went nuts when I told him I was making plans with Dennis for this Saturday. I was more than willing to talk about it, but he wasn't. I can't be with someone who won't talk to me, especially about something like this. He didn't like that I play football with one of my friends here too much because it mandates physical contact between the two of us...it wasn't the trust though (he's been hurt before,) it was the fact that he refused to discuss it. I'm not terribly broken up over it, we were only going on for 2 weeks or so.

Alright, you're all caught up on my life, now get on with yours.

Oh ya, one week was a sufficient morning period. I ordered an iPod. Ya, I gave into mainstream culture, get over it.
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