Well That Didn't Work

...IT WAS ALL STARTED BY A MOUSE
Have you ever wanted something so badly that you almost (or do) cry at the mere thought of not or never having it? I have two such things, and they're consuming all of my thoughts.

Number one is, of course, Dennis. The very thought of what's happened, of knowing that I'll never be wrapped in his arms again, brings me to tears. I think, until I have at least some understanding of all of it, I'll continue to cry. I know I'll never get such an elucidation from Dennis.

Herein lies a problem. I deal with my problems by fixing them. I've always made sure that I have control of my life (I'm always aware of everything that is going on around me,) so that when something goes wrong, I can fix it. I mean anything. If I can do anything about a problem, I WILL. As such, nothing frustrates me more (and I'm mean nothing) than not having the capability (the option) to fix one of my problems. I don't know how to deal with them in any other way. For that reason, I'm having a really difficult time trying to get over Dennis. I have no control of him and, thus, I have no control of the situation. I'm dying. I'm stuck in this place because I don't know how to deal with all of this. I have no clue...I can't fix it so I don't know how to deal with it, how to move on.

In the past, I've dealt with such situations by keeping my mind off of them. For example, I kept myself extremely busy in high school to keep my mind off of family problems, my mom's cancer, the crappiness of my school, my health issues, etc. by running seven (that's right, seven) clubs, and keeping a steady job. I've found that when I'm not doing anything, I get depressed. With nothing to keep my mind occupied, I am left alone with myself; I am my own worst enemy. What ends up happening, basically, is that I'll start obsessing about whatever it is that's bothering me, which serves only to get me more depressed. I get no closer to closure. I've been doing as best I can, but as I mentioned in and earlier post, I have been ridiculously bored over the past few weeks...

In the last three days, I've clocked almost 20 hours at the front desk, 10 of which were served Friday(consecutively,) just so I would have something to do. I literally called my co-workers and asked them if I could work their shifts. No one complained. My logic was that I could either sit in my room and be bored (and start obsessing over some of my problems) or sit at the desk, have just enough to do, just enough interaction to keep my mind off of things, and get paid for it. Who'd choose the former?

At least now I can afford to buy holiday presents for my friends.

The second thing I've been thinking a lot about lately is what I want to major in...well, really, what I want to do...well, really, Walt Disney Imagineering:

If, for some reason, you were not already painfully of aware of the fact that my dream job would be working for WDI as an imagineer, I must pose the question "what rock on Venus have you been living under?" Where to begin...

I suppose I shall start with some basic psychoanalysis. I've always liked knowing how things work. When I was a kid, I used to take things around my house apart like the phone, the remote control, and my mom's kitchen timer. She wasn't too happy about that. Eventually, she bought me a kit that let me build my own things. I don't remember what it was called, but I remember what it looked like. The set was comprised of a bunch of clear plastic pieces that encased whatever you built with the rest of the items in the box: wires, an electric motor, wheels, gears, and small chains. It was cool. I built cars, lit light bulbs, etc...one time (completely without my mother's knowledge or permission) I tinkered with the phone until I got it to light up when it rang. I don't know why I did that, I was 7 or 8, I guess I just thought it would be fun.

That desire to understand how things work lent itself to fixing things, especially things around my house (which became a staple of my home life since my father is not only an awarding winning procrastinator, but also has a bad back and bad knees, my mother has cancer, arthritis, and carpal tunnel syndrome, and my sister would break a nail if she lifted a finger to do any work) It was my interest in understanding how things work and toying around with them that lead me to adopt the "fixer" emotional philosophy that I have. I understand myself fairly well and I handle my problems by fixing them.

Ok, so...back to Disney. When I was 15, my family took a vacation to Disney World. Each day, we went to one of Disney's theme parks, and each day, my parents and sister were ready to crash in the hotel room by 4:00 in the afternoon. Craving something to do on the second evening of our trip, I took a stroll from our hotel to Downtown Disney, a boardwalk built along some of Disney's waterfront property that houses numerous stores and restaurants. It's a cool place, lights up at night. Anyway, at the far end of Downtown Disney is a five floor, interactive, indoor theme park called Disney Quest. It's an amazing place. When you enter the building you're escorted into an elevator that takes you to the third floor, which is the main lobby, or central hub, of the park. On the way up, one of the walls on the inside of the elevator "disappears" revealing Genie, from Aladdin, instructing guests to keep their hands and arms inside the car at all times. Basically, Disney Quest is the indoor theme park that they advertise that it is. Its basic arcade games such as Cruisin' USA, virtual reality games, simulation rooms, and various arenas make it, in my opinion, the best arcade in the world. Its main attraction allows its guests to each design their rollercoaster and ride it in simulator.

Back to my story: While I was there, I met this guy named Matthew...the most cynical SOB I've ever met. His cynicism was actually the reason we began talking; I asked him how he could work for Disney (did I mention that he worked there?) and be as cynical as he was. His response was "People are stupid." Long story for a different day. Suffice to say that you know the world is going to hell in a handbasket when people (people, not a person) ask you, "Do these stairs go up?" But I digress.

Disney Quest stays open until 2:00AM every night, so I stayed and hung out with 19-year-old Matthew until closing, when I returned to the hotel. The next night, I again found myself bored by late afternoon, so I went back to Disney Quest. Long story short (I know, too late,) the place was particularly busy and Matthew found himself surrounded by a mob of people, all of whom needed directions. Having nothing better to do, I decided to help him and began dispensing the directions to increasingly aggravated guests. As it happened, Matthew's boss walked by as all of this was happening and was so impressed with me that he offered me a job on the spot. When I told him I was only going to be there for a few days, he handed me a staff shirt and pin and said "Have fun, kid." That's right; I got a job at Disney World while my family was there on vacation. To be honest, I'd done it before. (Mexico-age 7--'nother long story for a different day)

Only me.

Besides the time I spent wrapped snuggly in Dennis' arms, I've never been happier than I was while working at Disney...*sigh*

(Come to think of it, my first week here was pretty good as well, but it was because I was expecting to finally be challenged, I was actually making friends, and because I knew that the boy of my dreams would be joining me in D.C. only a few days later...while I did make friends (even though the people I hung out with the first week I was here aren't the people I'd consider "friends" now,) the other two are completely gone. I love my life. *Grits teeth,* yes I know, it could be worse.)

Ok, let's see if I can bring the Disney story back to my original point (see first sentence): Since working there, I've taken quite an interest in Disney, especially the theme parks. The history of the company and of the parks (both extremely innovative, by the way) interest me, but what really piques my interest is (big shock) how everything works. (Moment of understanding: "oh, I see the connection between the psychoanalytic stuff, Disney and the dream job: imagineering)

Sitting bored at the desk the other day, I stumbled across this website. It's a very informative, information rich site all about The Haunted Mansion in Disney World. I felt like I'd found the Holy Grail of imagineering. I already knew some general information about the ride and some of the special effects it employed, but this site...blueprints of the ride, patents Disney obtained for the special cars that carry guests through the attraction, pictures of the building from behind the scenes, sound recordings, a long history of the ride...I opened each link I came across in a new window so I could read the contents of each page one at a time. By the time I'd finished reading the first chapter of the history of the ride, I'd already opened 30 new internet explorer windows. 30! God, I am such a geek.

If you haven't gotten the point of the entire Disney story yet, its that the second thing that the very thought of never having brings me to tears, is imagineering. As I continued reading, tears started welling up in my eyes. It took me a minute to figure out why. I was overwhelmed with how much information I was taking in about the ways things that I was really interested in worked. I wanted, at that moment more than ever, so badly to be an imagineer...to be both scientific and creative...to make people smile.

C'mon, how cool would it be to design and maintain the rides at Disney World?!?!

Whoa...problem. Bad news: majoring in government, politics, and law isn't going help me become an imagineer. Good news: I'm hating government, politics, and law. Bad news: I have no idea if I'll like or be good at engineering and/or graphic arts and design (the majors I'd probably double in to pursue the imagineering thing.) Good news: since the very definition of engineering is "the application of science to the needs of humanity through knowledge, mathematics, and practical experience applied to the design of useful objects or processes," and I am a creative and scientific person, I think I would be good at it. On top of that, I have a genuine interest in both engineering and computer design, so who knows? Bad news: While American University is a very good school, it is not the best place to major in any kind of science (except biology, I hear we have a good biology department.) That means that if I like physics next semester, and whatever I take in the fall to accompany it, I would most like have to transfer, leaving being the dozens and dozens of amazing friends I've made here. : o (

I need to figure out what I want to major in. Everyone around me seems to believe that we have plenty of time to decide such things, or they already know what they want to do. I tell them that I don't have the luxury of time; I plan on double majoring (despite the fact that I don't yet know in what) and in order to do so, I must begin planning now, so I will be able to complete both majors over the course of the next four years.

Three months ago, everything was great. I was finally in a new place, I knew what I wanted to major in, what I wanted to do, and I was in an amazing long-term, committed relationship...incredible how one day can change your life so much...one fucking day.

Why do I put so much pressure on myself? I consider anything less than perfection a failure...I cry at the very thought of being unable to do something...
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