Well That Didn't Work

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T POST OFTEN ENOUGH
Well, I'm back at the university, thank God. I'd gone back New Jersey (note the deliberate non-use of the word "home") to be with family for Thanksgiving. I was only there for three days so I basically just tried to stay off of everyone's radar. Fortunately, there were no problems so I'm a bit less nervous about again returning to the hell that is New Jersey over the school's winter recess. Speaking of which, I decided that the best way to handle being with my parents over the break will be to keep busy, thereby spending as little time in their house as possible. In that spirit, I am now officially registered for my bartending classes, YaY! I'll be able to tend bar next semester like I wanted to. Finally, I can look forward to things again...God, I hope I like physics.

Anyway, a lot's been going on since my last real post, namely the Dennis thing. I went out with him (for what I thought was a date) a few Saturdays ago; I had intended that day to be my final battle, I couldn't fight anymore after that day and I wouldn't. Long story short: he again said "no," again with little explanation.

As we left Georgetown, him back to GW and me to the nearest Metro station (which is actually located three blocks from Dennis' dorm,) something rather interesting happened. In keeping with the "condensed story telling" format, I got a mild case of hypothermia. I don't remember too much of the evening, but Dennis brought me back to AU and stayed with me all night to make sure I was ok. One thing I do remember about that night is lying to Dennis, which I had only done on one previous occasion. He'd been trying to get me to go to the hospital, but I kept refusing knowing that my family wouldn't approve and couldn't afford it. He made me take my temperature and as soon as the thermometer beeped, I turned it off. "What was it?" he asked me suspiciously. "Just over 100 degrees, don't worry." That was the lie, my temperature was, in fact, 102.7 degrees. I confessed that I'd lied to him the following morning and why. Ok, anyway, he told me I'd been a bit delusional-sometimes asking him why the hell he was in my room since he'd dumped me, sometimes believing that nothing was going on between us-so when we woke up he asked me if I knew we weren't dating or not. "Unfortunately, no, we're not." I replied rather cynically. "Although for the life of me I don't know why, but I don't have the strength to fight with you today." I closed my eyes restfully. The next thing I felt was him kissing me. It was amazing. He asked me if we could go out the following Saturday; I, of course, said yes.

He came back the next day (Monday) to pick up his GW ID, which he'd left in my room. Again, we kissed for a while, he seemed happy. That Saturday, we went on a walk and talked for a while, went to dinner, and saw an Indian dancing show being presented at GW. This time, it was he who believed the outing to be a date, unbeknownst to me. Again, kissing, holding hands, cuddling. I left GW confident and happy.

I invited him over the following Tuesday to hang out or share a romantic evening (whichever he preferred) as my roommate, Hannah, was leaving for break earlier that afternoon. He said no, so logically (hehe) I watched the clock until his Spanish class ended (4:50,) timed 45 minutes, and went down the lobby of my building. Five minutes later, there he was. I know him far too well.

He ended things.

He asked me not to fight it and prepared to leave, but stayed when I asked him to. We kind of "celebrated" the great relationship we'd once shared--i.e. we kissed (and a bit of other stuff) and reminisced (laughing and claiming certain things like " : kiss )" to forever be ours alone) until 2:00 AM. He cried, I cried.

Seeing him upset and sharing that time with him started giving me a small sense of closure, though honestly I'm nowhere close. Only understanding what happened and knowing why, after almost two wonderful years, he didn't even want to talk about not breaking up (that's how I see this--the question wasn't "were we 'getting back together' or not," it was "are we going to break up or not.") will give me a real feeling of closure. I know I'm not getting either, however, so I just have to let time work its wonders.

He told me to call him when I was ready and to make sure that I was truly ready when I did so, so that I wouldn't stop speaking to him a short time thereafter for the reason that I felt it was too painful. I don't know when that will be. I would like to talk to him (we have always had amazing conversations) and I enjoy doing so immensely, but I think it would be just too painful at this point...if he was more interested in the whole thing, it'd be easier, but he's very disinterested in me (not just romantically) all of the sudden, that really hurts. He just doesn't seem to care about me or a friendship which is truly upsetting. Boyfriend or not, we shared to great years together; we knew each other better than we knew ourselves (corny, but so true)...we shared so much emotionally, intellectually and physically that I can't imagine why I wouldn't/shouldn't care about him. I'd like to think he feels the same, but it seems he doesn't. Perhaps this is his way of dealing with this whole thing...I suppose I'll call closer to winter break, when we'll both be in New Jersey.

I still wish I understood any of what happened, I'll get over that eventually. I know I didn't do anything wrong, this was all him. I wish I knew why I was so easy to cast aside...but while Dennis made me feel great about myself (he got me to believe that I was smart, beautiful, sexy, interesting and funny) that didn't leave when he did. He did so many things for me and my growth. I'm sorry that we won't continue to grow together. I mean, we took SAT's together, got our driver's licenses together, applied to college together, took AP courses and tests together, graduated together...we matured together. I know I'll still grow though. I think I'll always love him and the time we shared, just in a different way that I did and do. I'll call him and congratulate him when he is elected President, or he'll be calling me to concede, lmao. I guess, overall, I'm just disappointed that I'm losing someone whom I care for and really that all the things we wanted to do, all the things I was not only looking forward to, but planning, will never be. True love is a greater desire, a bigger wish, than all of my daydreams and all of my goals and ambitions. I'll find it one day...*shrug.*

Anyway, moving on...I decided against moving to the 7th floor for one reason and one reason only:the girl who would be my roommate. Her name is Jenn (ya, two n's) and while she's extremely nice, I think I'd end up killing her if we were living together. I'm talkative, I admit it, but she's worse...MUCH worse. For example: if one were to say to me "Hey, Sam, would you mind turning off that light, I have a horrible headache," I'd say, "Sure, no problem?" Now, if someone were to ask Jenn the same question she'd most likely respond in a manner similar to this:

"Oh ya, sure, no problem, cuz like this one time I was getting really bad headaches like everyday and I asked my mom to take me to the doctor and she did and he said they were migraines so he prescribed this pills but they made me really, really sleepy and they weren't really helping the headaches, I mean, they were but not really so we went to a different doctor and he didn't think the headaches were migraines so he sent me to get my brain scanned at the local hospital but we couldn't seem to get an appointment to do that and then my mom got a headache dealing with the people at the hospital and when we finally got there the machine was really scary........."

And on, and on, and on, and on... I realize that was a run-on sentence, but she speaks to quickly that's how it I feel it should appear. So, I ultimately decided that as much as I love it up there, it didn't outweigh rooming with Jenn. My room now has this view:

and Hannah and I get along wonderfully; why should I trade that for a view of the McDowell dorm building and a roomie I'd probably murder? Next year though, next year is gonna be amazing! My friend Adi (from the 7th) and I "proposed" to one another. "Will you be my roommate next year?" "OMG! I was just gonna ask you that!" We're both really, really excited about it. Matt (again, Hughes 7) said he was scared that we're going to room together because we both have such dominant personalities...that'd be a problem if we didn't get along as well as we do.

I'm quite pleased that I feel pleasurable anticipation again. Not that I now have things to look forward to, but rather, I finally feel excited about them. I'd been a bit down for a while. I may be interning on the American Stock Exchange this summer--looking forward to that as well.

Wow, this entry's gotten pretty long, I guess its time to sign out. Until next time...

BTW, The glasses I need that my parents refuse to pay for are going to cost me about $264, so if anyone would like to contribute to the "Glasses for a Poor College Student Fund," let me know. : o )
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THE POWERS THAT BE
I don't know who I was writing this to, really. I don't believe God exists, but I suppose now I understand why people feel the need to believe he does. I've never really asked "why me?" before, but...

"To the powers that be:

I want to know what I've done to deserve any of this. I'm a good person; I'm a more caring, outgoing, generous person than most, so tell me: what on earth could I have possibly done to deserve the life I have?

I don't like being sick. I don't like having to worry about when my grandmother's next suicide attempt will be. I don't like having to watch my mother battle cancer. I don't like the unchangeable relationship I have with my father. I don't like having to struggle for money. I didn't like moving five times. I didn't like finally be given something good and only to have it ripped out of my hands…I finally had something worth living for, I had hope.

Why is the desire to be nice to people, to take care of others so deeply ingrained in my head if I was never expected to get anything in return? Why am I intelligent and have no passion with which to apply it? Why do I have so much love to give and neither someone to give it to or someone to return it? Why do I live in such constant pain?

What did I do to deserve this? TELL ME! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?"

Its completely illogical, a letter to no one asking unanswerable questions. I'm just frustrated. I'm not letting any of this bother me anymore, I'm not; still...every once in a while, you just need to bitch and moan.

I'll explain later.
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THE PRE-THANKSGIVING BREAK PAPER RUSH
Again, I have very little to report; this entry, for all intents and purposes, is a placeholder...wanna maintain the blog and all that...

Where to begin? Hmmm...oh,I updated the photo section; sorry I didn't do it sooner, I've been absolutely swamped with work. I'm calling it the "Pre-Thanksgiving break paper rush..." I had a paper due this week for every one of my classes, with the exception of statistics, for which I instead had a project.

For Introduction to Systems of Justice, I was assigned a reaction paper. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the term, let me elaborate. Reaction paper = 10 freakin' pages on my feelings about police discretion...MY FEELINGS! No research, no citations, just ten pages of feelings. One might say, "no research? That's great!" To them I must ask, "how the hell does one write 10 pages about their feelings towards a topic like that? 10 pages!"...this paper is worth 40% of my grade for the course, its evil. I did the best that I could with the topic, but, unfortunately, my paper is absolutely horrible. I think it may be the worst thing I've ever written, despite my best efforts to improve it.

For College Writing, I was assigned a 12-page research paper. The topic: Argue that the life of the famous person of your choosing impacted their work. I chose Sylvia Plath. I figured since she everything she wrote was based on her life (she wrote poetry the same way one might write a journal, to record and vent about the events of her life,) she'd be a good choice. I was right. In contrast to my horrible, HORRIBLE law paper, my Lit. paper is brilliant, if I do say so myself (and I do.) It is one of the best things I've ever written...I think I may post it in my next entry, I'm so proud of it, lol.

Compared to the combined 22 pages of work aforementioned, my macroeconomics and visual literacy assignments were nothing. They're not even worth writing about here.

The week is almost over now, though...I have no work to do over the weekend, thank God. Well, I can't really thank God seeing as I don't believe God exists, but that's not the point. Yay for no work!

I should be making an important post either tomorrow or Sunday, so check back soon. That's it for now though...peace.
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NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS
My apologies for having not posted over the past few days; I've been extremely busy attempting to write 2 ten page papers both of which are due at the end of this week and (just because we know, in my life, its never just one thing) I had a mild case of hypothermia Saturday night (long story) which I'm still recuperating from. Overall though, I'm doing amazingly well.

The only thing I can think of that I am a bit upset about is my job. I really enjoy working at the front desk of my dormitory; it's easy work and I get to socialize with residents and friends. Sadly, because it's easy work, it only pays $/hour. I had applied for the job at the beginning of the semester to earn some extra spending money; I didn't really need to work. Now, however, my family is struggling a bit (recall owing the university $10,000) so I decided that I had to find a better paying job. My decision to leave the desk was a difficult one to make but, ultimately, I informed my boss that I wouldn't be working at the desk next semester. Fortunately, I know that I have two, almost definite, job options open to me after our winter recess: Computer Geeks (which would also be a blast) which pays between $8 and $10/hour and tending bar which is quite lucrative and seems like it would be a lot of fun. I may be able to work both, but I doubt it...

In other news, I've been hanging out a lot with my best friend (I have a best friend, isn't that cool?!?!) Zak more and more despite my workload. He's so much fun to be around. I don't know how we got so close so quickly, but I love "us," lol. (He'll get that; we have a lot of little inside jokes and things like that. ) The great thing is, though, that not only do we have tons and tons of fun together, we also have some really deep conversations. We look out for one another, it's cute really. But, as usual, I digress. The point I began making at the beginning of this paragraph was that I've been making a real effort to get out. This week and last week were probably not, I admit, the best weeks to jump start a social life considering my workload, but no less...By the way, The Incredibles is really cute, but talk is cheap. "Gob gob gob gob gob gob gob." : o )

More interesting developments on the Dennis front but again I regret to inform my loyal readers that I must postpone sharing details until there is actually some sort of resolution to the situation. That's all I can say. If I told you anymore, I'd have to kill you. Hehe...just a reminder: I never said I was funny.

Other than that, not too much has been going on in life and all is good. No news is good news, eh?
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I LOVE MY FRIENDS

More Later...

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BATTLE OF THE SEXES
For once (and this may shock you,) I only have good things to report. After shopping with the girls on Sunday, I thought I'd hang out with some of the boys last night. Zak and I were going to continue our neverending air hockey tournament (current score: 3-3) but since I arrived before he did, I was in the middle of a game with this guy, Jeff, when he arrived. Jeff is one of my poker buddies (not that I've played that much poker;) he's a nice guy as a friend, but I'd never date him (a fact that he refuses to accept.) He's jokingly narcissistic, chauvinistic and kinda sleezy but that actually makes for good fun. For example: While I was setting up for the air hockey match, Jeff approached me and said, "so they let women play this now, huh?" to which I replied, "ya, I hear in some states I can vote now too." He constantly makes references to his desire for us to have sex..."Of all the girls on this campus, I feel so lucky that you've deemed me worthy enough to pleasure you." He asked how many people had heard me say that; he found two witnesses. It's fun to torment him, not in a flirtatious way...he ought to know by now that I'm not interested. Still...when Zak was one point from victory during one of our games, he said, "dude, why don't you just finish her off already?" I retorted with an "at least he'd be able to." The implication was pretty clear to him and all of his buddies who'd been watching our verbal battle-of-the-sexes...they all cracked up laughing. It was fun.

I have yet to start writing those ten page papers...hmmm...I should get on that. Where did I put my notes...? Comments ()
I'M SPECIAL (IN A LOVED SENSE)
When I returned from having seen the Motorcycle Diaries with Dennis, I relayed some of the events of the evening to Zak as I often do. Being with Dennis had been too painful; I'd told him that I simply couldn't bear to see him anymore knowing that this should never have happened, knowing how confused he was. All I wanted was the chance to show him that. He was surprised that I'd managed to force the words "I don't think I can see you again" out of my mouth. And then, a miracle...he asked me to spend the day with him next Saturday. I came back crying. Zak ran to give me a hug; his shirt was soaked with my tears when he finally let go. He said "Sam, I'm so sorry," to which I replied, "No, you don't understand, I'm so happy. He's giving me a chance, I'm going out with him on Saturday." I cried hysterically for another 20 minutes, absolutely elated. Ultimately, Zak and my conversation directed itself towards the topic of love and what it really is. At 3:?? in the morning, we decided it would be best for both of us if we went to bed so I went up to my room and started finishing up some work before turning in. As I lay down, I received an IM from Zak informing me that he had recently posted a new entry in his blog and that I might want to read it at some point. Anyway, here it is:

"Thank You
Thank you for everything tonight. Thank you for dinner, for fun times, for the book you so generously bought me, everything. But really, I think you gave me a much bigger gift.

I've been lost for a while now, lost in a lonely and confused place. After all I've lost, after all I've been through, I wonder how I could ever get back, or even if the attempt was worth the effort. And I've been just so empty, because of all that I have had to give up in ending my last relationship. But from how you sounded talking about the love you share, the love you have that is just so much a part of you... I can't explain it, but I saw something there that I think I lost somewhere along the way.

I saw your determination, I saw your effort and strength, visible and tangible emotions and actions. But beyond that, I saw the love that you hold, how you will do anything for what you believe in. How you can never give up until the very last. And, maybe if one other person is going through something akin to what I have experienced, and they can succeed and prevail... maybe then so can I, in some way or another. Thank you for giving me back a little bit of hope tonight.

I guess things are stressful and sad, yeah. I miss my ex quite a great deal some nights, tonight being one of them. That we can't really even be a part of each others' lives at all makes it even sadder, but I suppose... 'c'est la vie'. But 'when it comes down to it', I know that if I just hold on a little bit longer, if I just keep the faith, so to speak... I can make it.

Thank you, Sam."

It was really touching...I'd wanted to post it earlier because it was so meaningful to me, but I wanted Zak's permission to re-publish it so I waited. And that's basically it for now. Have a nice day kidlets!
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SORE MUSCLES AND A HEADACHE.
Hello again. There is much to report since my last entry so get comfy. My family found the money we owed the school; I don't know where and I didn't ask, I'm just glad that it got taken care of. Once I had paid the school, I was allowed to register for my classes and I must say, I'm very pleased with my spring schedule. The classes I'm taking are alright, I suppose (I'm taking each one of them to fulfill various requirements, either university or general ed.) but I'm still quite happy with the way my week will flow:

Look at that! No class on Wednesday and an early weekend. WoO hOo! While physics does complete part of my science requirement, I'm really looking forward to it (as I'm sure you're all well aware by now.)

Anyway, the debate tournament was Friday and Saturday and considering that it was my very first tournament, I think I did damn well. Zak was an excellent debate partner and I think the more we debate together, the better we'll be able to play off one another; chemistry between partners is important. We won some and lost some, but as competitive as I am, I had fun and didn't get caught up in a "must win" mentality. Since the tournament was being hosted by George Washington University, I went to say "hi" to Dennis and ended up keeping him company while he was working at the desk until 2:00 in the morning. Again it was very nice. We danced...lol, I loved that.

Moving on...Saturday, I met my match at air hockey...I had been undefeated since I was six or seven, but Zak beat me. It was close...really close. That game was the most intense game of air hockey I've ever played and having practically lived an arcade during much of my childhood, that's saying a lot; there were points that my eyes couldn't keep up with the movement of the puck because of how quickly it was going. My right arm is killing me (hence the "sore muscles" in the title of this entries.) Zak and I then went to dinner with Dennis and a bunch of our mutual friends from GW and though I planned the outing, I didn't get to enjoy it...my friend Kaytee wasn't feeling well, so I helped her back to her room and kept her company until she fell asleep. I didn't mind, I care about Kaytee. A bit later, Zak left to do some work and I went with Dennis to see The Motorcycle Diaries. Good movie, but not so much because of the plot, because of the symbolism and untold story within the plot. It was strange to sit next to Dennis in the movies and not kiss him. Then again, it makes me sad to see other people kissing right now...aside from that though, everything else in life has actually been pretty good...Interesting development with Dennis, actually...I told him that it hurt too much to talk to him, long story for a different day.

I went shopping with some girlfriends in Georgetown today (instead of working on the two 10-page papers I have to write)...I'd planned to start working on them (since they're both due in about ten days) but, well...the girls were planning to meet at the campus cafeteria for breakfast at noon and had invited me. I, realizing that I'd need to eat at some point anyway, decided to joined them. Over the meal, we had some good conversation and admist the story telling, I relayed to them the event of the last week or so. "Ok, that's it; you're coming shopping with us in Georgetown, damn it." was the genreal consensus. I proteseted for a while, but they kept insisting...I caved. Shopping was fun, its a shame that I don't have $175 for a pair of blue jeans. What the...? I did get some cheaper clothing. Yay for me! I love my girlfriends, they rock socks. On our way back to the Metrobus stop, we passed a homeless man who was playing a saxophone exsquisitly. In front of him was sign that read, "homeless but not sitting on my arse shaking a cup." I gave him almost all of the money I had left, save enough to ride the bus back. We had a brief conversation before Ashley and Sara pulled me away pointing at the arriving bus. Nice guy...

Well, I must be off. Work beckons. Buh-bye.
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I DON'T OWE THE SCHOOL $12,000; I ONLY OWE THEM $10,000
(BUT I'M NOT GOING INTO THAT)
So...Bush won. The fact that I have to live through another four years of his administration frightens me.

It was one thing to back Bush in 2000, just as I can generally understand backing almost any candidate-everyone has their reasons. But after the last four years, after the civil rights of American citizens have been trampled on, after how mangled and mismanaged this war has been, after seeing how our public schools have gone down the drain, after ALL of this, how can anyone see Bush as the logical choice for four MORE years? I have nothing against Republicans, per se. People can believe in whatever they want, and I won't discriminate. But did you ("you" meaning everyone in America who voted for Bush) actually think he'd be a better president than Kerry? Didn't Bush already prove that he isn't a better president than anybody else? God help us...four more years...I suppose things could be worse; we could have a chimpanzee in office. Haha, through sign language, a chimp might prove to be more articulate than Bush. I'm only kidding; honestly, things really could, *grits teeth* I suppose, be much worse.

You know what's really frightening though? Check this out. There was a crash on the Metro's red line two stations from the one closest to AU. The scary part is that there is almost a 100% chance that I would've been on that train had it not been for another unfortunate event. (I suppose this kinda puts things in perspective, doesn't it? The event I thought was really bad--see entry title--could have been something much worse.) Here's what happened: I had a doctor's appointment downtown scheduled for 1:15 on Tuesday, regular check-up so no worries. Anyway, I'm still dealing with the people in the financial aid office (who cannot seem to understand anything about financing, money, etc.) regarding the mistakes that they made that resulted in the loss of my $10,000 grant. I'd been trying to get an appointment with them for over two weeks and when they finally returned my phone calls (late Monday) they informed me that only time they had open this week was Tuesday at 1:30. That crash took place at 12:49; had I not cancelled that doctor's appointment, I almost certainly would have been on that train.

Ok, positive note: Zak and I are prepping for our debate tournament this weekend. Its going to be great! We plan to dress alike both days; we don't know what, exactly, we'll wear on Friday, but on Saturday we're going to dress very "artsy-goth." Black clothes, black nail polish, black lipstick, the works. We're even going to act very anti-socially (just keeping blank expressions, etc.) until we actually begin debating when we're gonna kick ass. Our topics: Michael Eisner should be replaced by Roy Disney as the CEO of the company, The United States should pursue a policy of making nuclear energy our nation's primary energy source, and I think we might be doing something on suicide...WoO hOo! Then, since we'll already be on the GW campus (since that's where this tournament is being hosted,) we're going to have dinner with some of my friends from over there...one mini-mesh of AU and GW students. It's gonna be fun, especially considering that they're all going to meet Zak while he's dressed in goth clothing.

One last thing: In case you didn't notice, there's a new link in the "Cool Links" section (look left) called "Photo Blog." Since I finally got a digital camera, I thought I'd start a photo blog to accompany this one. Hopefully, it will enable my loyal readers to get an even better glimpse into the depths of my life...or at least provide a few laughs. The photos in the first entry already made appearances on the this page, but I think they're a great way to start this off...enjoy kiddos!
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THE HUGHES SEVEN NEWS ROOM
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THE ELECTION IN A NUTSHELL
College is beginning to feel a lot like high school. For example, I'm so bored in my classes that I've been writing many of my blog entries during classtime.

-Introduction to Systems of Justice-
We have a quiz each Tuesday on our reading. I read the wrong chapter. It's always something, right? Well, its not as bad as it could've been. Hopefully, years of watching Law & Order will pay off...hopefully.

Anyway...financial aid is still giving my family trouble about money...its like they're obsessed with it or something. : o ) My dad finally spoke to his accountant yesterday and sent the people here his tax returns. They said that was the only thing they wanted but, of course, that's not what they meant. What they meant was "we'll also need verification from the IRS that your tax information is legitimate." So, my dad called the IRS and they told him that the information he wanted would be ready in the next 8- 12 weeks. 8-12 weeks?!? Spring semester will have already started by then! My father and I are really trying to get the people down at financial aid to get their act together and cut through the red tape...I have priority registration for a reason. The rest of the student body will be able to register in 10 days and by that point, the whole this is moot anyway.

So...its election day. Should I finally leave the diary format and return to my commentaries? Hmmm...

Kerry: It doesn't matter who I am, let's just band together against common enemy and get Bush the hell out of office.
Bush: 9/11
Kerry: Bush failed to address numerous domestic problems during his term as President.
Bush: Iraq
Kerry: Bush killed Superman.
Bush: What?
Kerry: Don't forget, I fought in Vietnam.

And don't forget...(these are compliments of my friend, Sarah)
Edwards: I'm the son of a mill worker! And yet, look how young and cute I am.
Cheney: Grr..

Ok, so its not the best I could do, but that's all I'm up writing about politics today. I attend a university in the nation's capital, I've had enough intense political debates to last me for a while. It starts getting repetitive, really. After a point, you realize that you're having the same debates and arguments over and over, just with different people.

Alright...my classes are boring, but I still have to pass them...I must be off...
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I DON'T WANT TO RUN AWAY, BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. IF I'M NOT MADE FOR YOU THAN WHY DOES MY HEART TELL ME THAT I AM?
Finally, an uneventful day! Everything went smoothly. I woke up at 7:50 feeling refreshed despite staying awake until 3:00 in the morning talking with Dennis online, quite enjoyable.

College Writing at 8:30 was, as always, a waste of time. I ran into Zak on the way back to the dorm and he kept me company while I finished some work for statistics. At 11:30 I had to go to work at the desk downstairs. Even my shift was slow...slow enough, in fact, to do arts and crafts. Shortly after starting my shift, Zak (who'd been bored six floors above me) brought a bunch of art tissue paper down and we folded a bunch of them into little balls to put over the lights on a string of Christmas lights we bought at CVS; it's gonna look really good when we're done.

Statistics was boring. That's all I have to say about that.

Now I'm procrastinating doing my macroeconomics work. Can anyone tell me why I can't get the following image out of my head?
Dennis comes here. I see him and for a moment, we're simply frozen looking at one another before we both run into each other's arms and kiss passionately before speaking a word. I'd start crying with absolute joy and he'd say "God, baby I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry...I love you so much."
Damn it; get it out of my head! No matter what happens with our relationship, I know perfectly well that that won't be it. That just sounds like a scene from some cheesy, corny movie from the 1940's.

Regardless, I came to another conclusion about Dennis today. This was the first time our actual relationship was challenged. This is the first problem within our relationship and he ran. Sure, there were problems, but they were around us, outside of our relationship. The strain we were dealing with was the first problem in our relationship. I can't believe it, he gave up.

The point is...I will fight this until he either gives me some answers so that I can get the closure that I need or give me the benefit of the doubt and give us a chance (if for nothing more that to examine what we had.) Hopefully, it will be the latter of the two. If after he takes the chance and he still feels that we shouldn't be together, or I feel it too, I'll accept it. I think I at least deserve the chance...after all we've been through...all we meant to each other. Until that though, I'll fight, its worth too damn much not to.
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