Well That Didn't Work

RIGHT AND WRONG CAN'T ALWAY BEEN RATIONALIZED BY LOGIC...
...sometimes, you just feel it. You have to fight for what you believe is right, even if its uphill and the whole world is against you. I can't find it in me to let this go without one hell of a fight, its worth it to me. No matter what happens, I'll look back with no regrets; I won't ask myself "what if I'd tried?" I'll know.
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WE WERE MARVELOUS ONCE
As I mentioned last night, I saw Dennis yesterday for the first time in almost three weeks. I'd missed him. We had a nice conversation about things that had been going on in our lives and in the world, showed each other some things on the computer, etc. It was nice. When it came time to address relationship issues, however...

He didn't have answers to any of my questions, so I am no closer to closure than I was a week ago and am only more convinced of how wrong this is.
-Why was it so sudden? "I don't know, it just happened."
-What were you thinking about that led you to this decision? "I don't know."
-When did it all happen in your mind? "I don't know."
-How do you stop loving someone (just like that) if you haven't changed and they -haven't changed and you don't believe the relationship to be a victim of circumstance? "I don't know."
-Why don't you think its worth trying? "I don't think it will work out."
-Why? You're always the optomistic one, what do you have to lose? "I don't know."
-Why don't you think it could be different? Better? "I don't think it will be"
-How would you know, do you have a justification, anything to prove it or validate that? "No"
-Why did you want me to fight for us when you first came over? "You had told me just to leave, you started crying, I wanted to talk about it."
-Why did you take 10 days when you're normally so decisive? "I don't know."

Don't get me wrong, the conversation wasn't painful in the sense that neither one of us is bitter or angry...I'm just thuroughly confused and very honestly, I think he is too...not so much on how he's feeling, but why.

Even if he's sure it won't work, there's no risk in trying...he just has to free his mind for a short period of time. We both loved each other, we had something wonderful...there's no way he wouldn't go back to how good things were if he could without difficulty. We had our problems, I won't lie, but each one is easy to remedy or already has been...

Well, I have amazing friends to help me. Still, none of them can make heads or tails of any of this from what I've told them, neither can the people that know Dennis. I've never seem him so turned off to something. He's not cold, just numbed to the whole idea, I suppose.

Trick-or-Treating tonight! WoO hOo! Happy Halloween!
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ZAK, THE WISE POET
My friend Zak is a talented poet.

I have loved, and I have lost
But I have found
The greatest cost
Not in consigning memories
to forgotten haze
but remembering, nay, cherishing
These long lost days.

I saw Dennis today. It was quite pleasant.
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HAPPINESS IS A HAPLESS CONCEPT
Has anyone been happy or is it all a lie?
Happiness lies in the 'morrow which, of course, will ne'r arrive.
It'll be better when and yet again its just beyond my grasp,
What lesson shall I learn from this, life's twisted bitter class?

I never said I was a good poet...nonetheless, I came to the conclusion today that true happiness can never be achieved...it always lies just out of reach. All my life, I've been waiting, anxiously awaiting the one fleeting moment that I will be able to consider myself truly happy, but it will never come.

"Things will be better for us when we move to New Jersey."
"Things will be better when you get to high school."
"Things will be better when you and I get married and have a family of our own."

Happiness is always in the future. Its like the saying that tomorrow never arrives because the day you once believed to be tomorrow becomes today. Happiness always will be and never is.

I thought I'd finally attained happiness; I thought that it was what I felt every time I laid in Dennis' arms...maybe one can attain true happiness, but since the happiness exists for only fractions of seconds, it is not easily identifiable...
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UNTIL THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORN
I've actually made myself sick, lol...earlier today my hands were shaking; my body literally went into shock from being so exhausted. Having as much fun as I have staying up this late with friends is truly worth it.

I came to a realization about Dennis tonight...I'm gonna have to talk to him (well, see him) soon. Ya...
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SLEEP DEPRIVATION AND THAI TEA
Ok, a lot's been going on, so I am anticipating that this will be a long entry. Brace yourselves.

After staying up with the guys on the 7th floor until 6:30 in the morning on Wednesday (Thursday) I did it again on Thursday (Friday.) I've been having so much fun up there with all of my new friends that the (intense) sleep deprivation seems ridiculously worth it. Everyone up there wants me move to their floor next semester, its awesomeness. I'm so happy that I'm finally being accepted for who I am...its so cool to have friends...they all LOVE me and I love them. Apparently, I'm funny now.

Anyway, Friday began Parents' Weekend here on campus; since my mom is sick (by the way, she relapsed again today after having steadily gotten better) she and my father were unable to attend. After work that night, I returned (yet again) to the seventh floor and played Trivial Pursuit until about 2:00 in the morning. The seventh floor is one of the building's two honors floors and I won by a landslide, does that say anything? Then, a bunch of us ended up talking philosophy and debating everything from the existence of God to politics until 8:30 in the morning.

Saturday, I slept until 1:00 in the afternoon. After I woke up, I called my friend Tom and asked him if he wanted to just sit around and do nothing with me all day...his parents weren't in town either. He, in pajamas, brought over the first season of this show called "Arrested Development" which was absolutely amazing. Watch it. Then, at 5:30, I took Tom's shift at the desk where we both work so that he could go out with some friends. The shift ended at 7:30, just in time to see John Glenn speak here at good ol' AU. He was spectacular...a very educated, interesting and nice man. I got his signature, WoO hOo! Seventh floor until 5:00am that night.

Sunday I opted to do absolutely, positively nothing until dinner when I got a group of 10 friends to go to a near-by Thai restaurant with me, it was a lot of fun. I sat on the end of the table laughing and cracking jokes. Everyone else seemed really happy, too. Its interesting, I've finally loosened up. I make stupid jokes, I laugh at stupid jokes, I don't care what anyone thinks of me...and people like me anyway. I make everyone laugh...its cool. I stayed up talking to this one guy that lives up there until 5:30ish and then got up at 8:00 this morning. He's cool, I like him.

Anyway, there have been some other things going on besides friends...I ordered a camera and to make a long story really, really, REALLY short, I now have to contact the Better Business Bureau. Grr...as of this afternoon, I had not yet received my absentee ballot so I called my county's clerk only to be informed that due to a clerical error on his part, it had been sent to the wrong address. Since I applied for an absentee ballot, I am not permitted to vote if I return home and in order to be issued a duplicate ballot, I have to either personally see a judge back in New Jersey to appeal for a second ballot or send a proxy (i.e. a parent--and they can't make a special trip to Newark for obvious reasons.) Thus, there is a significant chance that I will not be able to vote. Finally, I was supposed to register for my spring semester classes, but wasn't able to because the stupid people in the Financial Aid office didn't file the paperwork they needed to file ensuring that I had paid all my dues to the school and am eligible to register for classes. Well, that was fun...despite all that stuff, I'm still quite happy.

Oh, Dennis called me last night. I honestly don't know why, he probably felt guilty because he didn't sound like he cared very much. His apathy surprised me for some reason. We'll talk again I suppose.
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Wow...amazing weekend. More when I'm not about to pass out from exhaustion.
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MMM...64 SLICES OF AMERICAN CHEESE
Or rather, mmm...fried Oreo's. A guy on my floor was making fried Oreos in the kitchen earlier. They were really yummy.

Today was another work day...I'm so tired. I didn't get to sleep until 6:30am since I was upstairs with the [amazing] guys on the 7th floor so late and got up at 9:00 for a class. (For the record, it was totally worth it.) After the class ended at 12:35, I did none-stop work until statistics at 3:35 and then none-stop work until 11. I took a shower, went to Subway, planned to go to sleep at 1:00 but stayed awake consoling a friend, planned to go to sleep at 2:00 but was summoned to up to the 7th floor with all of my DVD's (Its Mitch's 21st birthday, who am I to say no?) then I helped Dave study for his art history midterm and now, FINALLY, I'm here, lying in my bed and...ZZZZzzZzzz....
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I was cheering for the BoSox, but Alex...he had another idea.

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INSERT CREATIVE TITLE HERE
I need the advice of my best friend about college scheduling. Did I lose my best friend, too?
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A BRIEF PAUSE FROM MY REALITY
My reality isn't. What I mean is that the world I'm living in now, my reality, is actually not real...I've been pretending that nothing that happened last week actually happened. I stopped calling home for updates about my mom...she's not actually sick, everything's fine. If I think that way long enough, and keep my mind focused on my work, that will become truth. Dennis doesn't exist; he lived only in an amazing dream I once had...an amazing, wonderful dream. I know I've been writing little bits about him on this site, but the truth is, I've really not been thinking about him (you can confirm that by reading any of the entries I've made since I got back to school on Saturday) as much as I've wanted to. I won't let myself...I'm ignoring the desire to think about him, to accept what has happened. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this is all wrong.

You know what's funny? Dennis is going to have a real easy time getting a new girlfriend when he wants one because of me (not that I'll have problems finding a boyfriend--a fact that has become apparent over the course of the last few days, but no less...) According to him, I made him less shy; he wouldn't approach people and start a conversation before, he'd only talk if someone else approached him. Now, he's confident enough to ask someone out. In addition, while I loved him to death at the beginning of our relationship and found him extremely attractive, the boy has cleaned himself up over the last couple months due, in large part, to me. He's much more attractive now than he was 20 months ago and I don't even get to enjoy it. : o ( I was the one that encouraged him to use his acne medication and I helped him pick out his new clothes for school (he wanted to look more collegiate for school, I didn't just decide to dress him up.) He's now a confident, extremely attractive guy on the loose across town. He'll have no problem getting a new girlfriend. Even though I can find a new boyfriend, I truly believe that I'll never find a guy as wonderful as Dennis...as perfect for me. *Thinks reflectively,* he's such an amazing person. This is so wrong. I know him...he'll be ready for his random hook-up soon and if he's going canvassing in Florida this weekend like he wanted to, he'll have the perfect opportunity. I've really changed my attitudes on things relevant to my mood and my desire to have fun since I've gotten here...I wish he could see that. He'd always wanted me to loosen up...he'd like this and it would make our relationship stronger than it was before. God, this is all wrong...

Ok, back to my reality...I really am doing well (I am, in actuality, alright) because everything's fine.
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WHOA, BUSY DAY
Work, class, class, meeting, appointment, TA session, meeting, GWU application, girls' night. I'm so tired, I still haven't caught up on sleep from last week because I've been working so hard. I didn't even have time to order my camera. : o ( Oh well, there'll be plenty of time tomorrow...actually, nevermind; I need to shower, deal with financial aid (who say I owe the school money and if I don't pay,they won't let me register for my spring semester classes,) meet with my academic advisor about my those classes, attend statistics and write that 4-6 page paper. Joy. I didn't have time to eat today...I need to do that. Hmm...

But enough about my hectic day...does anyone know where I can get information on canvassing for Kerry this weekend in Florida? Dennis had invited me but had never given me the details and so (seeing as he's currently not speaking to me) I'm in the dark. Its a bit ridiculous to ask for help on a website that no one reads, isn't it? Lol. I probably wouldn't be able to make it anyway; I have been killing myself trying to stay on top of my academics. At least its helping me pretend that the "my mother's cancer almost killed her" issue doesn't exist.

I'm really looking forward to signing up for physics on Monday (early registration is the coolest,) even though I might not be taking it here. I was talking to my new-found, non-romantic soulmate, Ashley, about Imagineering and we decided that if I totally fell in love with the physics stuff in the spring, I should double major in some type of engineering and either computer science or some form of graphic arts/design. Lol, all speculation at this point.

I've totally loosened up in the last few days...maybe I'm just feeling like there's no point in holding back anymore; I want to have fun. Of course, its more likely a response to the two most stressful events I've ever had to deal with which, coincidentally, occurred within hours of each other. Then again, I've been loosening up gradually for a few weeks now, not since I've been here, but a few weeks nonetheless. For example, my friends Mitch and Hristo came by my room last night; I'd been playing music on my stereo and Hristo started dancing to it. It was really funny watching him...anyway, Mitch searched through my music and found "Sexual Healing" (don't ask) and decided to put it on; Hristo grabbed my hand and the two of us danced to it..really, really closely. There couldn't have been more than an inch between us. It was fun and not at all uncomfortable. For those of you who really know me, I'm not normally so outwardly sexual, but I've found that I've been getting more and more comfortable with it for a bit now. I know it seems like a minor thing, but its a good step. I've done other little things as well...hooka, etc. Yay, I'm catching up to the rest of the teenage population; oh dear, is that a good thing? Uh oh. Well, I was always a late bloomer; I only just got over the "insecurities about my body" phase that most girls get over by the time they reach 16.

Am I boring you yet? Ok, I thought so. When this week is over and I'm caught up on all of my work, I'm going to switch out of "diary" mode and back into "interesting commentary" (history and political rants, satirical commentary on life, international penpal letters, etc) mode. Won't that be fun?
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IS THERE A SIGN SOMEWHERE?
Seriously, is there some big banner somewhere that says "Samantha's single!" somewhere? If one exists, could some please alert me to where it is? And I know its not this pathetic excuse for a blog because, as evident by the lack of comments, no one reads it. Geez...I've only been on campus for three days since last Tuesday and four guys have asked me out. While I must admit that its quite flattering, I'm just not ready (I mean, one week?!?) and for whatever idiotic reason, I still have so much confidence in my relationship with Dennis...while he takes the time he needs, mon amour est assez fort pour tous les deux nous...I think that's correct, but I don't know French. (Hey Kat, does the make sense? Comment dude.) I know its stupid to hold on to hope, seeing as Dennis isn't currently talking to me (in Ashley's words, "WTF!") and I won't ever see him again without his interest/consent, but I've never felt so strongly about anything in my entire life and for that, I blame him. I recognize my own confidence because of him and his. Its too bad I'm not the type of person to go after the meaningless post break-up hook up.

On a positive note, I'm ordering my new camera today! When I pick up my second paycheck later this afternoon, I'll finally have enough money to buy it; I'm looking forward to it very much. I do need to know if I have to buy a memory card and rechargable batteries or not though...Dennis might still have the ones he'd ordered for my birthday, maybe I can just buy the accessories from him...I won't hold my breath. *shrug*

I'm almost caught up on my work, all I have to do today is to write the outline for the 4-6 page paper that was due Monday, which is now due Friday, and work on my GW application. It just occurred to me the other day just how much of a hypocrite my father is. He expressed disappointment (in the form of yelling) in my decision to apply to American early because he thought it was based on the fact that Dennis wanted to attend Georgetown (it wasn't...I want to study government and politics; Washington is the best place to be) when he transferred from Cornell to the University of Texas for my mother. I have a hard time believing that story when I look at my parents' relationship. I certainly hope such a drastic turnaround isn't common. For the record, I'm not considering transferring to GW for Dennis, but rather because of Dennis...he always thought I underapplied when I came here and said I could do better. I think so too, though I really enjoy it here at AU.

Ok, I really should be paying attention to my econ. professor seeing as I missed the previous two sessions of macro...lol, God bless the wireless network. Peace.
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THE WONDERS OF SHOE SHOPPING
Just to fill ya'll in (since apparently there has been some confusion): I returned to AU from Fall Break at around 3:00 in the afternoon last Tuesday. At around 6:00, Dennis ended things with me (*note the "ended things" as opposed to "dumped me,") and after he left at approximately 7:30, I cried for about an hour before attempting to get some rest. Unfortunately, at 9:30, I got a phone call from my dad that my mother's cancer had come back again and that this time, it was really bad so I immediately repacked my duffel bag and headed back to New Jersey. In addition to extreme sleep deprivation and near starvation due to stress and family responsibilities, I missed a test, a midterm, and a major essay while I was gone. As per my final October 15th entry, I only got back on campus at 2:30 in the morning on Saturday. It was a long and stressful week; I had to deal with my mom being sick and so I didn't really get to grieve for the loss of Dennis from my life. I'm waiting for that to catch up with me. Fortunately, my mom will be alright in a little while...we got really, really lucky.

Anyway, I woke up early yesterday and spent all day reading and catching up on all the work that I missed last week. Sporadically throughout the day, I got phone calls from all my friends who each took their turn yelling at me about not answering my phone for most of last week; I had to explain, to each in turn, that they don't allow cell phones in hospitals, especially Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in NYC. They stopped yelling, lol. After I'd gotten most of my reading done, I started working on a 4-6 page paper that was due today, but I fell asleep around 2:00am at my computer having completed almost an entire two paragraphs of it and proceeded to sleep through the class that the assignment was for. I emailed the professor...maybe its because she was recently married, but she's really sweet and had already assumed that I would not be in class today. I'm almost caught up now, but still underfed and overexhausted...as soon as I get a chance to slow down, I will. Tomorrow is a busy day...2 classes, 3 meetings and a lot of homework, but I'm going strong. If I get sick, I have type A- blood. : o )

After my statistics class this afternoon, I went with Sara, Ashley and the new girl in our group, Jessie, to a shoe store that's very near campus and, get this, I bought shoes! My shoes (the first pair I'd ever bought that weren't sneakers) were falling apart..."pass the duct tape" falling apart. No souls, holes inside, holes out...you get the picture. But wait, there's more...I bought two pairs of shoes! And they only cost me $30! I did something girly. WoO HoO! Girlfriends are the best...they convinced me to go out and they picked out the shoes. After we'd all had our share of shoes, I took the three of them to the Thai restaurant across the street and made them all try Thai iced tea (which I introduced Dennis to at one point as well) which they all loved. It was funness. Too bad I had to write an macroeconomics paper or I would've spent more time with them. Tomorrow is girl's night (like every Tuesday,) so I don't have to wait for too long.

I have to get back to my macro paper and then I have to get some sleep...stupid work in the morning. *Inaudible grumbling* G'night.
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THE INVISIBLE MAN
I went on a police ride-a-long today. My Introduction to Systems of Justice professor has assigned a 7-10 page paper based on a field activity of our choice (which was, in actuality, limited to a police ride-a-long, a jail visit, or a court watch.) I drove around a section of Washington's third district with a cop for four hours; it was pretty interesting. We passed the dorm where Dennis lives, I hate being upset when I think of him; thinking of him was the only thing that always put a smile on my face in the past. But, that's neither here nor there, I'm writing today about something that has given me a bit of perspective.

I decided before arriving at the police station that I was going to write my paper about police discretion (the use of personal discretion each cop exhibits when deciding how to handle a situation.) For example, my officer saw three people using their cell phones while driving and opted not to ticket them. Anyway, one of her calls today was to clear an abandoned house of drug addicts who had taken it over as their own. When we entered the decaying, foul-smelling building, we found one drunk, probably high, man living there. My officer kicked him out, opting not to arrest him for unlawful entry. She then continued to search the house (leaving me waiting in a hallway) and after a short while, I heard her talking to someone.

"Let's go," she said after returning. I looked at her puzzled. "We don't see him, he's not here. He's the invisible man," she said to me.

"Why," I asked. "Why let whoever that is stay when you just kicked another out of the house?"

"You wanna see?" She proceeded to grab my hand and lead me to the room she'd been in. "Knock on the door." I was nervous; I knew the cop wouldn't put me in a situation that posed a risk to my safety, but I didn't know what to expect. The door slowly opened and I found myself face to face with a 73 year old man. He smiled warmly and felt my heart sink.

"This young lady just wanted to meet you," my officer told him. "Thanks." She turned to me, "do you understand now? Look at him, look at the room he lives in and then look at the rest of this dump." I gazed in; it was clean, and I mean spotless. The rest of the house was filled with moldy furniture,trash, and the smell of urine and appeared as though it was about to collapse. This man, however, had cleaned one of the rooms, there was an apartment guide on a table in it next to a bible...the man wasn't an alcoholic or a junkie, he was just "down on his luck." With that, we took our leave.

I don't know what it was about that man...his graying hair, frail figure or warm smile, but my heart just went out to him. I felt that my pain, all the problems and all the stress, were secondary to his. I never told myself that things could be worse; I never denied that fact, but I never thought about it. Things could be so much worse for me than they are. I thought I was the overlooked, the one in pain, the invisible man, but I'm not. I need to change some things about my life...I'm still looking into transferring to GW...
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I'M LEAVING ON A JET PLANE
Well, as some (though not many) of you may know, the night Dennis broke up with me, I got the bad news that someone in my family was very ill. The fact that I've been writing so much about Dennis here is due, in large part, to the fact that I didn't have time to grieve that loss due to the promise of another.

Wednesday morning, I rushed back home, less than 24 hours after I'd returned to school from fall break. The week has been a nightmare. For starters, I missed a statistics quiz on Wednesday, a midterm on Thursday and I failed to do, let alone turn in, a paper for macroeconomics...my professor will be less than sympathetic. In addition, the family crisis has taken its toll on me. I haven't eaten more than a cookie and a few green beans since Monday night and I only managed to get those down because my mother forced to me to. Combined, I've gotten maybe 8 hours of sleep since then as well and only today did I finally take a shower and brush my teeth after neglecting to do so all week. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted and I'm sure that after I get back to school, it'll only get worse because I'll finally have to time to mourn the loss of Dennis from my life and I'll have a lot of work to make up.

Which brings me to where I am now: I am currently sitting in EWR (Newark International Airport) awaiting my flight to Dulles in D.C. that was scheduled to leave over an hour and a half ago. The weather is apparently not conducive to my plans, not that much ever is. The gate is slowly filling with the smell of fuel. Everyone is complaining about it. Oh...my...God; the gate receptionist just announced that the plane that was scheduled to leave this gate to head for Washington is currently on the ground in Providence, Rhode Island. Well, my week really couldn't get any worse. Great, we'll be leaving at 11:15, fabulous.
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HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF I FOLLOWED MY DREAMS?
I've made a decision. I'm going to try my hand in physics next semester. I know it sounds random, but I've always wanted to design rides for Disney and I have a genuine interest in science and technology, but I've never been exposed to them up close, I only know what I've read. If I like it and I'm good at it, I'm going for it. I might even go for the triple major: CLEG, History, Engineering or rather Government, History and Engineering because since AU doesn't offer engineering, I'd have to transfer...Weird things to triple major in, huh? Don't get me wrong, I love Government and I'm very passionate about history, but I want to open my eyes to new things while I'm in college. I don't know if I can do it, but I'll figure it out after I take the stab at physics. Maybe I'll decide on only CLEG and History, maybe I'll switch completely to some kind of engineering and another kind or computer design for practical application in the field, something...I'm going to at least look down the path of my dreams, maybe I'll follow it.
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A CONVERSATION WITH AN OLD FRIEND
Relevant text in bold.
Mikey: hey hun
Me: hey
Mikey: how are you?
Me: Life's been better. I'm actually home.
Mikey: Is everything ok?
Me: Ya, it will be, I had a family emergency so I came rushing home right after Dennis dumped me Tuesday night, so I can't even tell him what's going on.
Mikey: my poor baby, two major issues in a week.
Me: I'm used to it, lol...how are you and your sex buddy?!?! :-P
Mikey: oh, you had to ask
Me: Of course.
Mikey: she's basically with this other guy now, a guy who i think is very cool. I just wish she would've told me, that was the deal. all we ever asked of each other was honesty, and she wasn't honest. so, not just am i not getting ass anymore, but the girl i was getting it from- who is my friend above and beyond anything else- hasn't made any time for me and completely ignored the obvious truth. i mean, granted, i NEED ass. i WANT ass. but i can live without it, since we had a very simple agreement entering into our benefits thing.
Me: You think about sex way too much.
Mikey: because i'm a 19 year old guy! i'm horny 24 hours a day! duuuuuuh. Remember Chelsea? She was absoultely gorgeous. beautiful face, beautiful body, not to mention her PERFECT boobs.
Me: Good to know. I win in all the boob catagories though, plain and simple...and if I see that quote in your profile, you can throw away any chance you'll ever have of testing that assertion.
Mikey: hahaha. i wasn't planning on using it, but now that you mention it...
Me: Don't
Mikey: but, um, no. i would LOVE to keep the possible chance of seeing/touching/otherwise interacting with your boobs open. no quote, no matter how excellent, is worth that sacrifice
Me: Sorry.
Mikey: no, because i'm a horny 19 year old guy who thinks you're beautiful and loves spending time with you.
Me: Ya, but you like casual relationships, I am looking for it, you know, the real thing. I have no interest in hooking up...
Mikey: i like casual relationships but nothing can beat love. i've been in love a couple of times. i wasn't in love with my last girlfriend, but i did love her
Me: I thought I'd only be in love once. For some reason, I'm still hoping that will be the case.
Mikey: i just hope you end up with someone you're in love with who is also in love with you, whether that's dennis or anyone else on earth.
Me: Thanks, so do I. I really, really, really knew he was the one. Now I'm scared that I'm right, because he's gone now.
Mikey: there are only two possible reasons: 1) he'll be back 2) he wasn't the one but if you're right and he is the one, you'll be with him
Me: I don't believe that though. Even if we're truly right for one another, there's no magical law of the universe that says we'll be together...or even that everyone will find their "soulmate." I used to think such a thing existed, as corny as that sounds, but I don't anymore.
Mikey: well, the point is, i still feel like if i don't spend the rest of my life with her, i won't spend it with anyone but to an extent, i've moved on, i've loved again, and it's not because of chel that i wasn't in love with my last girlfriend.
Me: Wonderful, I'm still going to wish I could be with Dennis for the rest of my life in another year. I'm just so deeply in love with him that faith that I would never have had just keeps persisting. I know him, and this whole thing didn't make any sense to me. ts not like him, he's decisive and this took him 2 weeks to figure out, it was so sudden, I couldn't possibly have expected it, and he was the one that was always so convinced that we were strong enough to make it through anything. I wish I knew what happened. What he was thinking about. How he just stopped loving me.In spite of it all, I haven't felt bad about myself. I still believe I'm as beautiful as he made me feel and said I was and I'm as smart and sweet and funny.
Mikey: you ARE. you're all of those things.
Me: I've surprised myself in that...I still believe. That's the irony of it all, I can get through this because of the things that he showed me, taught me...

There was more, but that's the relevant text. As I was talking to Mike, I was also talking to a mutual friend on mine and Dennis'...

...Friend: and honey i'm sorry about you and den, i didn't know
Me: I'm sorry too...I'm worried about him actually He said he still wanted to talk, but hasn't spoken to me.
Friend: maybe it's too soon
Me: For some reason, I'm still hopeful that things will work out...I know him and this whole thing just doesn't make sense. Its not like him, its not like us and it was so suddent...but he is a decisive guy and if he says no to this than he means it...I know, but he was the one that wanted to try to be friends, he didn't ask for time. If he's upset about being apart than he should be with me, lol
Friend: yeah but who ever said boys make sense
Me: I sent him an email telling him that when he wanted to talk to call me, because I couldn't bear my life without him, even if he was just a friend, but it really makes me sad that he doesn't think its even worth trying to work out. What really kills me is that it doesn't make any sense. I know him, this isn't normal. But, what am I gonna do? I can't even be mad at him, he didn't do anything wrong.
Friend: i don't know
Me: Thanks for listening though, I appreciate it. I'll be fine, I hate it and I'm not about it and I'm still deeply in love with him, but eventually I'll be fine....so will he, but right now, I'm still worried, how could I not be about my best friend?
Friend: yeah he said he felt jaded, that's what his away message says too
Me: Jaded? What exactly does that mean? God, if he's hurting so much about this, than it wasn't the right thing to do...it never made sense.
Friend: maybe he's just tired or in the case of some people very very horny
Me: I hope he doesn't go randomly hooking up with someone, lol..he always told me if we broke up, that's what he'd do. I don't know, I never thought it was a good way to handle things and I still have hope. I know that's stupid, he can do whatever he wants. I still care about him and I would hate for him to get hurt.
Friend: yeah
Me: But someone would hook up with him, he's a sweet, attractive guy.
Friend: yeah but then it would be really random
Me: That was the point, if I recall.
Friend: well yeah
Me: God, jaded? He's always so happy...I hate this.
Friend: seems unlike him...I think maybe there's something else going on that we don't know about.
Me: This whole thing seems unlike him.

In addition, I was informed that its not just me who thinks this makes no sense. Someone (in addition to several other people) that is familiar with my relationship with Dennis confided in me that she saw us and always wanted a relationship like ours. She said we looked so perfect, this didn't make sense to her either. I reminded her that everyone wrote in Dennis' yearbook to take care of me because, apparently, they all thought we were perfect for each other too. At least I'm not alone. I posted a quote a few days ago about how when a relationship is right, someone will always say something...I've said what I can, its up to him whether he listens. I truly wish things could still work out, but I'll be able to be friends, I'd like that a lot. I don't know what it is that's making this so difficult...maybe it's because everything (and I mean everything) reminds me of Dennis. I believe a lot of it stems from the fact that I still need closure, answers to questions...this was out of nowhere, it really was...I just need to understand and everything will be fine.

Ok, so this blog entry is significantly long enough...I don't know how this clarifies things, but I'm not upset talking about him anymore. Maybe I still have faith, maybe I'm just ok with it...I don't know yet, but I won't go back to the woods.
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STILL NOT HAPPY ABOUT ALL THIS, BUT...
I tried instant messaging Dennis last night, just about general things...friend things, but he never got back to me. Knowing him as I do, I decided to send him an email this afternoon that basically said "when you're ready to start making the transition to friendship, let me know because no matter what form it takes, I couldn't bear not having some sort of relationship with you." Seeing as he hasn't gotten back to me, I believe that he's upset...which brings to mind yet another question: if he's not happy being apart, then why isn't he with me? Regardless, I really would love to still be friends, he's meant so much to me and I think I meant a lot to him; I think I still do mean a lot to him, just in a different way. That's fine...I hope he's feeling alright and I hope he'll get back to me eventually.
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A FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, there was girl who got lost in forest of tall trees; she'd wondered into it when she was very young and had searched for years to find the way out. Eventually, the search made her tired and she slowly began losing hope that such an exit even existed. Then, one day, a handsome boy saw her crying as she sat almost helplessly on the ground where a beam of sunlight managed to penetrate through the thick layer of leaves above her. When the boy asked her what was wrong, she said that she wasn't sure there was anything other than forest in the world anymore. The boy looked confused as he gazed into her eyes; he had never seen a forest before and knew what lay beyond the confines of the woods. The handsome boy wiped the girl's tears away and told the her how much he wanted to show her what lay beyond the trees. She was skeptical, but he ultimately convinced her to climb one of the tall trees so that she could see the beauty of what else was in the world. For the first time, the girl had hope, but hope was not enough for the boy. He helped the girl climb down the tree and lead her out of woods and together, they laid in the sun on the sandy beach that bordered the forest.

The problem with this story, unfortunately, is that they didn't live happily ever after. In fact, that's where the story ends. I suppose, since the story is full of symbolism relating to my life, that the boy should have been swept away by a heavy tide or something...that's probably how it would go if that were literally my life, as opposed to figuratively. The girl would still be on the beach though...the handsome boy brought her there...she wouldn't be ignorant enough to wonder back into the forest, ever.
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DENNIS WOULD GET A KICK OUT OF THIS
My father wanted to call Dennis and tell him never to see or speak to me again so that he (my father) doesn't have to deal with me being upset. Ridiculous! I know how Dennis would resond; he's been wanting to tell off my father for 20 months...
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EVERYONE I LOVE GOES AWAY IN THE END
This song always brings me to tears, but honestly, the real issue is closure.

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever -- gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do...believe in it. Bottom line...is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right, and they're real lucky. One of them will say something."

I really thought that was us. I wish understood what happened...that's all I really wish I knew. I will accept that its over afterall, I just need answers to find closure. Why was it so sudden? What was he thinking on Friday when he finally made the decision? Is he sad about losing this or is he sad about hurting me? What the hell was Monday? I don't understand. I didn't change, he didn't change...how can you stop loving someone if nothing about them or you has changed? Its just the circumstance, I swear. A crappy summer following a difficult spring...he didn't listen to me when I suggested there was something wrong with us...he admits I was right...why won't he listen to me now? Damn it. This is completely out of his character which is one of the reasons I never expected it. He's normally so decisive and it took him 10 days to figure this out...and he was always the confident one.

Only 3 months ago he was crying hysterically because I told him I hadn't like AU when I returned from orientation. He was so scared I'd leave. Only three weeks ago he was telling me that my fear didn't matter becuase we loved each other. He talked about the dog we were going to get...I think what really hurts about all this is that he was the one that was so confident. He was the one that always talked about the future. He was the one that said we could get through anything...why the hell didn't I listen to him then? He was the one that said "I love you" first. I was stupid and scared and I'm not anymore.

He asked me "after almost 20 months, you would want to try to start over?" Why not...we have nothing to lose. He said it wasn't worth trying because he didn't think he could ever love me again. Why is that? What do we have to lose by trying? Nothing at all.

I still believe I'm beautiful. And sexy. And smart. I wouldn't have before, but I do now. The irony of it all is that I think the reason I'll ultimately be able to get through all of this is because of the strength he showed me that I had. I just love him so much. He was just everything I ever wanted in life and he's such a wonderful person. How could this have happened, its us. I don't understand.
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APOCALYPSE
24 hours.
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PRAY FOR THE BEST
The way I see it, there are two possibilities for Tuesday.

1.) Dennis walks towards me and kisses me like he's never done before. I cry, he smiles, we have a talk about what needs to change in our relationship and we catch up on the last week of each other's lives.

2.) I see it in his eyes. I cry, he cries. He starts spewing cliches about how I'll get by. I tremble as I hand him his things back. He leaves and I collapse into a ball on the ground.

I'm scared of the latter. All week, I've wanted to do things for him on the faith I have in us. For example: Lewis Black, a comedian whom Dennis likes, is coming to perform at AU next weekend, I almost bought a ticket for him. Oh well.

Tomorrow should be a better day; I'll have more to keep my mind off of Dennis. I'm going to visit a few teachers at my old high school (I hate admitting that I'm going back to that hell) and I have my doctor's appointment so I can finally get the glasses I know I need. I hope Dennis will get to see them on me; the ones I want look good. Ok, this is just pointless rambling so I'm gonna end it here. I swore my blog would never become a daily "today I went to the mall with (insert random person here) and then I had steak for dinner" like everyone else's, but that's what its becoming...ahhhh...
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STARGAZING
It amazes me how something as seemingly small and insignificant as the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling can revive so many memories I once thought were lost to the ravages of daily life. I just turned off the lights in my room and I realized that I had forgotten about the stars I put on the ceiling only days after my family moved into this house. It reminded me of moving. The act of putting up these "seemingly insignificant" stars symbolized a fresh start for me as a thirteen-year-old.

I'd had stars on my ceiling when we lived in Texas; I remember putting them there. I was too short to reach the ceiling. At seven years old, I tried to arrange them into all the various constellations I knew of and place them on areas on my ceiling comparable to their real locations in the heavens; it proved to be impractical and I dropped the idea only 20 minutes later. Still, I loved those stars and sleeping under them at night was comforting.

When I was 11, my family moved to Connecticut and due to money problems resulting from the move, we were forced to live in a rental house. Since we no longer owned the house in which we were living, I wasn't allowed to put new stars on my ceiling so when we moved again to New Jersey, I was thrilled to discover that we would being paying mortgage each month, not rent.

The stars on my ceiling remind me of Texas, the innocence of my childhood, that innocence being torn away by a move, my time spent growing up too quickly in Connecticut, my fresh start in New Jersey...even Dennis. The first time he saw the stars on my ceiling he coined the term "stargazing kiss," but I suppose that's another story for a different day.

So many memories...I need to buy stars for my ceiling at school...I miss Dennis; I had to keep reminding myself that I have faith in him and in us all day. I love him so very much.

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"HOME"
Its a wierd feeling being "home," its more visiting my family than being home. Home is my place at school now. I feel like I feel when I visit my grandparents, I don't really live here, but there's space set aside for me. My room is still here, its just not my room anymore...all that's left is a dresser, some books and a bed. I don't know, its just wierd.
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ON THE ROAD AGAIN
I'm hitting the road to head home in about an hour. My friend Eric made the mistake of telling me he was heading to north Jersey this weekend so I took the liberty of tagging along. He was invited to stay with us for as long as he wanted, but decided against it at the last minute. Oh well, less to worry about.

Eric's a cool guy; he was one of the guys that asked me out the first week I was here. He's cute, he's smart, he's nice, and he's Jewish, lol...but I don't think he could handle me and he's much too busy for a girlfriend. He's like the big brother I always wished I had. The weekend before classes began, there was a carnival welcoming the freshman class to American University. An acquaintance of mine (as well as Eric) named Adam thought it would be fun for us to joust, one of the activities at the carnival. After I crushed him at that, he decided he could beat me wrestling and proceeded to pin me to the ground. I winced and closed my eyes and the next thing I felt was a rush of air and a weight being lifted off of me...I looked up to see Eric holding Adam a foot above the ground by the scruff of his neck and yelling at him that "...in Texas, we don't hit girls." It was adorable. On a side note, he also wants to kill Dennis for not coming to see me on the first or even second day he was in Washington, despite my attempts to defend Dennis' actions.

I miss Dennis...not in a desperate, pathetic way...I just miss him. I have so many things I want to tell/talk to him about. I was hoping to hear from him before I left today. When I spoke to him on Monday, I told him that, while I would prefer he didn't rush himself, if he knew what he wanted by today, I would appreciate if he could tell me so that if I need to be consoled by my mother this weekend or come back to AU with a fresh start next week, I can. I'm hoping that the fact that I haven't heard from him yet means he won't be breaking my heart next week. I know him, I think if he was going to, he would let me have my weekend at home and my fresh start.

Alright, I have nothing more to report at the moment so I'm going to get food for the road. I'll post at least once over the weekend, even if only to write about finally getting the glasses I know I need. Have a good day all.
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HEADING HOME
Well, I lost the election, but I knew that before the ballots were counted; I just didn't have time to campaign as much as I would've liked due to midterms. Maybe next year...it honestly doesn't bother me too much.

Anyway, I'm actually looking forward to going home tomorrow. I don't know why, I like it here significantly more than I like being home...I guess I'm looking forward to the peace and quiet. I need a short break from all the hustle and bustle of campus. I'm hoping to get my glasses by the time I come back to Washington as well. You see, I told my mom that I was noticing that my vision was blurring, that I was getting bad headaches, and that I thought I needed glasses. Surprise, surprise, she didn't believe me so I paid to see a doctor. I have a prescription for glasses, but my mom won't get them for me until she has her doctor examine me. Most of my weekend will be errands...clothes shopping, getting a winter coat, buying a Halloween costume, getting a new driver's liscense (my old one was stolen along with the rest of my purse,) appointment with the eye doctor, etc....

Well, I'm sorry I don't have anything more interesting to post (I'm still waiting to hear from Dennis and I'm still hopeful that things will work out) but I promise to make an attempt to post more interesting material soon. In the meantime, I need some sleep...g'night all.
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GIRLFRIENDS
Sara, Kat, Ashley and I had a girls' night tonight, not really to do particularly girly things, but rather to avoid doing boy things. It was fun. After watching the Vice-Presidential debate we went to my building's formal lounge (the big, shared common room on the first floor) to watch Chicago, but when the TV failed to display anything and the DVD player failed to read the DVD, we opted to connect my Mp3 player to my stereo and dance to random music for a few hours instead. We talked, danced, sang...it was (as everyone around here seems to say) chill. I've never had a group of girlfriends; we're going to see if we can all get together every Tuesday night to do various things, we may even go to a spa sometime. I'm kinda looking forward to it. Anyway, I'm rather tired...g'night all.

P.S.-Does anyone think its strange that my entire workload for the week consists of only 50 pages of reading (a novel, not even a textbook) and a one paragraph summary of the material?
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ITS A MAD, MAD, MAD, WIRELESS WORLD
Thank you, American University, for providing me with 85 acres of completely wireless internet; you've given me a way to stay awake during my mandatory T.A. sessions for Macroeconomics. Just kidding...wait...maybe I'm not, wierd. I'm actually lying on the main quad right now, its absolutely gorgeous outside and I wanted to enjoy the weather. At some point, I'll get around to finding a camera and taking pictures of the campus, its beautiful. The small campus provides a nice atmosphere of security that I find comforting. Currently, the university is displaying the pandas of Pandamania, an artistic celebration of the pandas at the National Zoo. The statues were originally placed in various locations around Washington, but they've been here for about two weeks now (on display, all together) for people to come and enjoy before they're all auctioned off on October 8th. I'm going to miss the pandas...our quad is going to be so boring. I do have some pictures of them to remember them by:

There are over 90 pandas out here, its a shame I was only able to take pictures of a few of them. Oh well, I guess. Well, I suppose that's all for now, not much of interest, but I was bored when I started writing this entry while I was here, on the quad, just to show that I don't care what anyone else thinks of me...I don't anymore, can you believe it? : o )

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OCTOBER IV: A NEW HOPE
Don't hate me because I'm funny; ok, so I'm not, I got over it. I gathered up the strength I've been slowly gaining over the last few days and went to see Dennis, against my better judgement. I had to tell him a few things...

I've been doing a lot of self evaluation recently and the results have been absolutely remarkable. After three months, I've overcome my depression. : o ) It wasn't all over the course of the last three days, rather, it culminated during that time. Here's the final report: I've never let myself have fun, I'm wound up so tight so often that I've never allowed myself to be happy. In addition to this discovery, I found my own inner-strength when I was forced to on Saturday night...it didn't take a lot of looking; Dennis helped me to improve my self esteem (among many other aspects of my life) so much that I didn't see that I didn't have to lean on him for as much support as I had been. I had it in me the whole time.

Don't misunderstand, however. I am still quite upset about the possibility of losing Dennis; I'd still be devastated. After the brief conversation we had though, I'm even more confident in us.

Anyway, when I got back on campus, I watched two Law and Order episodes before deciding to go to bed. I had just finished changing into my pajamas when Guy knocked on the door and asked me if I wanted to smoke hooka with him and his friends. (He knew I'd been upset recently and might appreciate the invitation.) I would normally never, ever, ever in a million years smoke hooka, but in the spirit of loosening up, I went with him. We went to the amphitheatre and I watched as they passed the thing around. I wasn't really interested, but I tried it very quickly anyway. I didn't find it particularly appealing in any way, shape or form.

One of Guy's poker friends (with whom I have played a hand or two with,) Dave, joined us shortly after our arrival at the amphitheatre and after completing his heavy rounds of hooka, decided that we should all watch the movie Dogma, which I own. While the rest of the group packed up the hooka stuff, Dave and I went back to my room to pick up the movie. My roomate, Hannah, was sleeping so we went to Guy's room to set up the DVD for the rest of the group. As we waited, we cleared off Guy's bed to sit on and started talking. Little by litte, I noticed him inching closer to me and by the time the rest of the group arrived I was ready to leave, but I thought that they were going to sit down and join us watching the movie. They didn't. They saw us sitting next to one another and assumed (very, VERY, incorrectly) that we wanted to be alone. I suppose they were half right; Dave most certainly wanted to be alone. I asked Guy to stay but he said "No, you love birds have fun, we'll be right back." Moving on, Dave kept trying to kiss me despite by repeated mention Dennis and I kept waiting for Guy to come back. When I realized that he wasn't going to return and that Dave wasn't going to back off, I made a bet with him(I know he's a gambling guy from poker.) The deal was the if he could answer a trivia question of mine, I would let him kiss me. Of course, I knew I wouldn't have to kiss him or I would never have made the bet, but it was the ONLY STINKIN' WAY to get him to stop trying to make a move on me. I asked him a question, he got it wrong. He said "Ok, ok, ask three more. If I get one, I get to kiss you." Well, four turned into ten, which turned into twenty and so on. For two freakin' hours! He didn't get one question right, which is both a relief and rather amusing. He wouldn't let me leave so I was actually grateful that he bought into the stupid game thing instead of continuing to pressure me. I have a feeling that if Guy hadn't have come in when he did....I don't even want to think about it. It was not a pleasant experience.

I told Guy the story. He thought the fact that his friend had failed to get one question right was amusing; I told him to sleep with one eye open. *Yawn* Well, I must be off, have to wake up in 5 hours. Sweet dreams.
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THE BAR
The front desk where I work is comparable to a bar, just without the alcohol. Everyone comes and bitches about their problems. I'm a good bartender. : o ) Actually, I'm going to start training to be a bartender in December, if not earlier. At least I know I'll be good at it. I feel so good making others feel better. Its helping. *Big smile.*

I'm thinking of him and smiling (the first time I've done so in the last three days) because I have faith that this will work out. I know it will.

If/when it does I want to try swing dancing again. : o )
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BETTER THAN I COULD PHRASE IT
Seems like our love is on the road to nowhere fast
All my life I thought a love like this would last
But every road can hide a corner we can't see
I had a vision that I woke up by your side
I felt you breathing and our souls were intertwined
But who controls love's destiny -- not me
We had it all
Right in our hands
We had the space to fly and still the place to land

So I'm calling out
I'm calling out you're the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on
I'm reaching out and praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
And you're the only place my heart has ever been

Maybe I'm young and in the ways of love, naive
Maybe I'm desperate for a reason to believe
There wasn't anyway I thought that we would fall
I've seen perfection in a rainbow in the sky
I've seen a child make the coldest grown man cry
But loving you I thought was greater than them all
We had it all
Just you and me
And now there is a doorway to my heart without a key

So I'm calling out
I'm calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on
I'm reaching out and praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
And you're the only place my heart has ever been

Wherever you are right now
Come back and show me how you feel
Because I'm lost without you here

Calling out
I'm calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on
I'm reaching out and praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
And you're the only place my heart has ever been
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TRYING TO GET BY
I can't believe I actually got any work done today. After a long shower, a nap and the exception of a few tears, I was able to force myself to read for both College Writing and Systems of Justice, although I have been avoiding my Macroeconomics book all afternoon.

A friend of mine convinced me that nothing I can say at this point (since I've already made my feelings for Dennis and towards our situation perfectly clear) will affect his decision. I hate that. I want to bring him the orchid he brought to me when I needed some space. I want to tell him that I want to take him to all the museums in the city, all the sites, all the shows...we have things to do now, we can have fun. I want to go to him, I want to go to him so very badly but I won't. I love him and if he wants time, he'll get it. In the meantime, I'll have to find other things to occupy my mind.

For example, the class elections. I am one of 8 candidates for President of the class of 2008. In addition, I'm the only female candidate and thus far, I have (reportedly) the coolest flyers. At least that'll keep my mind somewhat off of Dennis for a short while. As I mentioned, I'm going home this weekend; I'm not actually sure if that's a good thing or not, but it will also keep my mind off of Dennis.

I was watching Space Jam earlier today; don't ask me why, it was just on. The movie reminded me of the past...you see, my first "date" was in the fifth grade and the boy, Brian, and I went to see the movie Space Jam with his father sitting two rows behind us. Needless to say, it wasn't a real date. I remember telling that story to Dennis. Not only was I his first date, I was his first kiss, his first everything. I hope that those "firsts" can go back to "only's" at the end of this. I hope so.

P.S.-I only missed the G.W. deadline by one day. I'm applying there anyway.
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GOD DAMN IT
I looked into transferring to George Washington University, but I missed the deadline. Damn it!
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I STILL HAVE HOPE
I do. I still believe in him and us.
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SCARED, SHAKEN, AND SHOCKED
Well, if you can't tell from my previous few entries, Dennis ended things with me yesterday. I really can't believe it; I'm in a state of absolute shock. I knew we were having some problems adjusting to college and that we'd had a really stressful summer apart and such but I never thought that breaking up would be the result, NEVER. I figured we'd work through it because we love each other. In my mind, this was nowhere in our future...this wasn't even on my radar screen. I'm so in love with him. I keep asking how this can be happening. How can this be alright with him? After everything we've gone through, everything we've experienced together, how can it be over that quickly. I love him so much. I feel truly lost for the first time. I mean, I literally don't know what to do with myself right now. He meant so much to me. He still does. Technically, he said he needed time, so we're on a 10 day break...I'm dying already. I'm scared that this is it. This can't be it. I've never been in so much pain and that's saying a lot considering my life. Oh God...
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MY REALIZATION
Oh my God, this is actually happening. I really am a horrible person...at least no fun to be around. Imagining my life without him is like trying to understand what happens to your mind when you die. Its beyond conceptualization.

It was just sudden. We had problems to work through, but I NEVER would've thought that this was they way we could solve it. OMG, this isn't happening, it can't be. He's my best friend, where am I supposed to turn? Everyone on my floor is drunk...if I was a weaker person, I'd join them. If I was a weaker person, I'd...

I can't wait 10 days, but as of this moment, I will. I love him and if he needs 10 days, they're his. I'd really give him anything.

If in 10 days he ends it, I will absolutely, completely devastated, but I swear...I'll never forgive myself if I didn't take this chance. Is it bad that I still have hope? I won't beg, but God, please... Comments ()
FOR OUR PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE.

The Past
For the Columbia crash. For introducing yourself as the future President. For the conversations throughout B.A.T.E.X. For the conversations the following weekend (during which we spoke more than we slept.) For the chess games. For having never felt awkward. For an email attachment of chicken noodle soup. For the coin collection and the bloody nose. For Johnny Rockets. For the froofy mall. For wanting a trophy wife. For Valentine's Day at the Bloomfield Ave. Cafe. For Vanilla. For the Phunky Burrito. For the sex arcade game there. For our first kiss on the bottom bunk bed. For the pansy in all of us. For the ice cream the next week. For asking my last name. For the official date request. For timid kisses. For our one month anniversary. For wanting to steal the Eiffel Tower from the French. For seeing movies. For dealing with a misguided objectivist. For moving trashcans. For going beyond kissing. For stargazing kisses. For every joke. For your three month surprise in your attic. For my first love letter. For five page notes. For gum in my hair. For rubber duckies around the world. For lists of "becauses." For sweet Samantha's and darling Dennis'. For being your beautiful. For : kiss )'s. For your Lincoln-Douglass debate sweatshirt. For playing baseball in the pouring rain. For "jew food." For being mouth-watering, jaw-dropping, tongue-rolling-out-on-the-floor-while-your-eyes-bulge-out-and-your-ears-smoke-and-you-hear-a-big-aoooga!-outta-nowhere-like-in-looney-tunes hot. For you believing you're as handsome as I tell you that you are. For killing cows. For Cinnabons. For being scared of being apart all summer. For not being afraid anymore. For the huge phone bills. For phone, um, hooking up. For our first college talk. For our first tears together. For every instance where you win and every other heterosexual male loses. For "best girlfriend ever." For a sapphire ring. For getting my driver's license. For Six Flags. For a car accident. For sitting by my pond late at night. For your license. For that fact that I'll always call you Mr. Senders. For every trip down the Garden State Parkway. For dinner at your grandmother's house. For your family's belief that we're engaged. For your birthday party. For Beneli's. For ordering only breakfasts at diners. For the first day of senior year. For cancer and physical abuse. For a love bean. For Sir Bunny and the Wokworm. For a rambling 5:00am email and holes in Britney Spear's clothing. For karaoke night. For college applications. For essay editing. For confidence. For falling asleep in each other's arms. For riding your bike really, really fast. For Frank Sinatra. For Hannukah. For Christmas. For New Year's Eve. For falling in love. For Gobblers. For international phone calls from Spain. For a traveling rubber ducky. For pressed flowers in a notebook. For our one year anniversary. For a long car ride to Connecticut. For the great conversation we had while stuck in traffic on the way home. For swing dancing. For mania. For another car accident. For the Producers. For Applebee's. For Chicago. For Billy Joel. For sleeptalking. For a forbidden night spent together when no one was watching. For spaghetti. For The Producers. For more cancer and a third car accident. For new clothes. For hair gel that smells like grapefruit. For a crappy dress. For a crappy prom. For a good prom. For an amazing waffle. For a long walk on the boardwalk. For those talks. For graduation. For everyone writing to take care of me in your yearbook. For another summer apart. For Dave and Buster's and playing with puppies. For wanting to strangle each others' families. For an amazing birthday. For Billy Joel music. For The Who. For emails of love song lyrics. For a poem you wrote that I never saw. For all the bad. For all the good. For the knowledge that the good crushes the bad. For a beautiful orchid. For freckles and a stripe. For being here together. For asylum lighting. For the last year and a half. For every seemingly insignificant detail that I can't remember right now. For every kiss. For hope. For love.

The Present.
For knowing we can get through this. For my confidence. For our kisses. For love.

The Future
For four amazing years of college. For a group of joint friends (The girls on the vault already have a bunch of friends in Lafayette and I love your entire P&V floor). For the metro rides. For going out. For growing together. For getting stronger. For enjoying the years Kerry is President. For getting apartments. For getting big beds for those apartments. For graduating. For getting accepted to graduate school. For completing graduate school. For real dates. For first jobs. For a proposal involving some cute fuzzy animal. For a heartfelt "yes." For planning the wedding. For pork. For personal vows. For a Frank Sinatra wedding song. For an amazing honeymoon that we can't afford. For an apartment together. For decorating. For building our pool with stone-looking concrete. For taking "sick days." For sex in the morning. For sex at night. For breakfasts in bed. For cleaning up after that fuzzy animal. For doing dishes. For watching tv. For jokingly arguing over the remote even though we both know that we'll end up watching Law and Order (as long as TNT is still a network.) For going out. For staying in. For buying a car. For running for office. For vacations everywhere. For paying bills. For buying groceries. For every bad day. For every promotion. For every victory. For every minute day-to-day event. For greying hairs. For knowing we're going through everything together. For knowing that "together" wouldn't be better with anyone else. For life. For love.

Please don't give up. We have nothing to lose, but so much to gain.
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PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T LET THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE SIMPLY WALK RIGHT OUT OF IT.
I thought we could do it, I know we can.
More another time.

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Friday, October 01, 2004

9:42 PM

POLITICAL AFFILIATION 
Democrats are sexy; I mean, who ever heard of a hot piece of elephant?

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