Well That Didn't Work

Friday, September 24, 2004

7:33 PM

THE SITUATION WITH DENNIS
I promised to write about the boys that asked me out since I've been in Washington and the situation with Dennis in my last entry, so here it is.

WARNING: THIS ENTRY RECEIVED CRAZY READINGS THAT EXCEED THOSE THAT CAN BE MEASURED ON MODERN EQUIPMENT.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my situation (which should be all of you,) I always wanted to date in college. I've had that desire ingrained in my head since I was a child; college is more than a place to learn academically, its a place to grow and experience the world, and I want to experience everything, I want to get as much out of college as I possibly can. The first time I told Dennis about this, he said "By the time college starts, we will have been dating for a year and a half, you don't throw something like that away." I tried to explain to him that this was something I really needed and wanted to do, but he didn't seem to understand. Finally, I was able to get through to him that my desire to date in college had nothing to do with our relationship or him, I wasn't trying to find anyone better, it was just something I had to do for myself to better understand the world in which I live. He agreed to have an open relationship, as long as we both (if I get to it, he should as well) kept within a set of guidelines. Honestly, it seemed a bit strange to put rules on dating, but it was something I thought I really needed to do.

So, you may be asking, why was it a problem? Why didn't I say yes to any of the 5 guys (all wonderful) who asked me out? Well, I almost did. One of the first people I met here was this guy who lives on my floor who I will refer to as David. Since David and I were the only people living in the building for the first day or two I was here, we got to know one another quite well and ended up spending the rest of welcome week together making trips into the city, hanging around campus and talking until ridiculous hours of the morning. There was only one problem, he wasn't Dennis. It was strange; I'd been away from Dennis most of the summer and I was feeling the strain on our relationship, but I'll be damned if I don't love the boy. In addition, that first week of college opened my eyes to so many things I had never experienced before that it felt like a month, an amazing month, rather than one week. For a split second, I tried to imagine what it would be like to date someone else, but I couldn't. Dennis moved to his university, elsewhere in Washington, 10 days after I did and instead of jumping to see the girl he claims to love eternally after having not seen her for the better part of three months, it would be another 5 days before I saw him, and then, only after I called and begged to see him. So on the one hand, here was this great guy, David promising me the world (I know it seems naive to believe anyone when they promise such things,) spending time with me, holding doors for me(just one of those little things that Dennis has never really done, although he does so much else) and telling me I deserve better than a boyfriend who can't find the time to see the the amazing girlfriend he has and on the other hand was Dennis, who I have a history with and I love more than life itself, but whose relationship I share doesn't seem particularly appealing. There was no question in my mind...I agonized over the issue for two weeks and came to the following conclusions:

-I love Dennis and he is wonderful for all the things he's done and does for me, and for who he is, but to an extent, David was right. I do deserve those little things, too.

-I'm convinced that no one else in the world will stick around when things get really bad like Dennis does and that fact has kept me paralyzed. I was probably feeling more afraid to leave him than love for him at the time. (I was upset about not seeing him and I felt our relationship getting weaker, but I still love him immensely.)

-I had wanted to date in college, but not at the expense of losing Dennis. He is the best person in the world for me and I will love him forever.

In the end, it didn't make a difference, David changed his mind about the whole thing, which was fine, it gave me more time to figure out my own situation. The conflict between loving Dennis and finally finding personal strength was catching up to me. I told him about how the little things mattered to me and his response was "I love you, that should be enough. I shouldn't have to do those thing." He was right, he didn't have to, but I thought he should've wanted to if he loved me the way he said he did. I was miserable.

If you can believe it, I went to Dennis and reiterated all of this information to him. He nodded a lot. We talked about taking a break so that I could work through some of these things...neither one of us wanted it at all though. I realize now that my desire to date in college was ridiculous, I love Dennis very much and I don't want what we have to end. The day after our long, tearful (on my part) conversation, I felt absolutely horrible, what was worse was that I knew that it was entirely my fault. That night, Dennis surprised me and came to my dorm with a beautiful orchid. "Can this please be over?" he asked me. Anyway, that's where we are right now, we're trying to rebuild the structure of our relationship after being apart for so long and managing our new friends and workloads. I know we can do it, we're in love.

I know it seems like I want one thing and am doing another, but I love Dennis and, in my mind, love defies all logic. Aren't I so messed up?