Well That Didn't Work
>
7:33 PM
THE SITUATION WITH DENNIS
I promised to write about the boys that asked me out since I've been in Washington and the situation with Dennis in my last entry, so here it is.
WARNING: THIS ENTRY RECEIVED CRAZY READINGS THAT EXCEED THOSE THAT CAN BE MEASURED ON MODERN EQUIPMENT.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with my situation (which should be all of you,) I always wanted to date in college. I've had that desire ingrained in my head since I was a child; college is more than a place to learn academically, its a place to grow and experience the world, and I want to experience everything, I want to get as much out of college as I possibly can. The first time I told Dennis about this, he said "By the time college starts, we will have been dating for a year and a half, you don't throw something like that away." I tried to explain to him that this was something I really needed and wanted to do, but he didn't seem to understand. Finally, I was able to get through to him that my desire to date in college had nothing to do with our relationship or him, I wasn't trying to find anyone better, it was just something I had to do for myself to better understand the world in which I live. He agreed to have an open relationship, as long as we both (if I get to it, he should as well) kept within a set of guidelines. Honestly, it seemed a bit strange to put rules on dating, but it was something I thought I really needed to do.
So, you may be asking, why was it a problem? Why didn't I say yes to any of the 5 guys (all wonderful) who asked me out? Well, I almost did. One of the first people I met here was this guy who lives on my floor who I will refer to as David. Since David and I were the only people living in the building for the first day or two I was here, we got to know one another quite well and ended up spending the rest of welcome week together making trips into the city, hanging around campus and talking until ridiculous hours of the morning. There was only one problem, he wasn't Dennis. It was strange; I'd been away from Dennis most of the summer and I was feeling the strain on our relationship, but I'll be damned if I don't love the boy. In addition, that first week of college opened my eyes to so many things I had never experienced before that it felt like a month, an amazing month, rather than one week. For a split second, I tried to imagine what it would be like to date someone else, but I couldn't. Dennis moved to his university, elsewhere in Washington, 10 days after I did and instead of jumping to see the girl he claims to love eternally after having not seen her for the better part of three months, it would be another 5 days before I saw him, and then, only after I called and begged to see him. So on the one hand, here was this great guy, David promising me the world (I know it seems naive to believe anyone when they promise such things,) spending time with me, holding doors for me(just one of those little things that Dennis has never really done, although he does so much else) and telling me I deserve better than a boyfriend who can't find the time to see the the amazing girlfriend he has and on the other hand was Dennis, who I have a history with and I love more than life itself, but whose relationship I share doesn't seem particularly appealing. There was no question in my mind...I agonized over the issue for two weeks and came to the following conclusions:
-I love Dennis and he is wonderful for all the things he's done and does for me, and for who he is, but to an extent, David was right. I do deserve those little things, too.
-I'm convinced that no one else in the world will stick around when things get really bad like Dennis does and that fact has kept me paralyzed. I was probably feeling more afraid to leave him than love for him at the time. (I was upset about not seeing him and I felt our relationship getting weaker, but I still love him immensely.)
-I had wanted to date in college, but not at the expense of losing Dennis. He is the best person in the world for me and I will love him forever.
In the end, it didn't make a difference, David changed his mind about the whole thing, which was fine, it gave me more time to figure out my own situation. The conflict between loving Dennis and finally finding personal strength was catching up to me. I told him about how the little things mattered to me and his response was "I love you, that should be enough. I shouldn't have to do those thing." He was right, he didn't have to, but I thought he should've wanted to if he loved me the way he said he did. I was miserable.
If you can believe it, I went to Dennis and reiterated all of this information to him. He nodded a lot. We talked about taking a break so that I could work through some of these things...neither one of us wanted it at all though. I realize now that my desire to date in college was ridiculous, I love Dennis very much and I don't want what we have to end. The day after our long, tearful (on my part) conversation, I felt absolutely horrible, what was worse was that I knew that it was entirely my fault. That night, Dennis surprised me and came to my dorm with a beautiful orchid. "Can this please be over?" he asked me. Anyway, that's where we are right now, we're trying to rebuild the structure of our relationship after being apart for so long and managing our new friends and workloads. I know we can do it, we're in love.
I know it seems like I want one thing and am doing another, but I love Dennis and, in my mind, love defies all logic. Aren't I so messed up?
Comments ()
10:45 PM
LET THE COLLEGE POSTS BEGIN
Well, it has been quite a while, hasn't it? For the record, I wrote a post to be published the very first day I was in Washington, but due to some technical computer issues, I was unable to do so. To fill you in, the (very condensed) content of that entry was that my trip to Israel was a waste of time so I wouldn't be writing about it very much, if at all, and that my move to Washington, D.C. went smoother than I could have ever imagined.
I moved into my new dorm on August 19th, one day before the rest of the student body was allowed to do so, and was quite pleased with the results. I had wanted to post pictures of my dorm, but my parents never sent me the pictures off of their digital camera (which they, of course, insisted on bringing to capture the memory of my first days at college.) I'll get around to bugging them for it eventually. Anyway, the first week I was here was absolutely amazing; there were no classes to worry about and I got to live completely care-free for the first time in about 16 years, I had nothing to worry about, no responsibilities whatsoever. In addition, I was making a lot of friends, which I've never really had before. The small group of us who moved in early during welcome week became friends and welcomed everyone else as they made their own moves to (or back to) Washington. We got pretty close and it was really nice. I was asked out by a few different guys, which was quite flattering but ultimately lead to my return to reality. (See my next entry.)
All good things must come to an end and the last week of summer was no exception; classes started on August 30th. My very first class was a course called College Writing, a basic writing and literature class that mirrors not my high school english courses, but my middle school english classes. No less, the professor is a lovely woman and the class requires minimal work. Techinically, the next class I had was Macroeconomics, but due to some scheduling changes later that week, I am no longer in that section of that course. I'll get to that in a minute. Next, I had Statistics, which is literally the same class as my AP Statistics course from high school, so that class has been, and will continue to be a breeze. Ok, back to that schedule change...I had been really excited to be in an anthropology course called "Culture: The Human Mirror." I'd wanted to be an archaeologist since I took my first world history class in the sixth grade, but the class was absolutely horrible. After two sessions, I couldn't take it anymore...maybe it was the professor, maybe it was the way she taught, or maybe it was the subject matter, but in any case, I had to drop the course. I ended up switching into a class called "Visual Literacy" and am really enjoying it so far; its a very hands-on course. My new section of Macroeconomics is much more dificult than was my old one, but I'm managing. For some reason, I don't understand theoretical economics, but I understand how economic theory is applicable to society and global finance. Wierd, huh? Finally, my favorite class: Introduction to Systems of Justice, an amazing criminal justice course that is taught by a wonderful professor who is both informative and funny.
Well, there you have it, my first month of college....wasn't that fun?
Comments ()