Well That Didn't Work

NORMALCY THAT ISN'T
I apologize for not having posted in the last few days. Things have actually started to get back to normal, which sucks. Nothing notable has happened at school today recently except the discontinuation of Days of our West Orange Lives (a ridiculously insulting mini-program the Unity Club broadcasts over the announcements system) and the announcement of the un-announced hall sweeps by the administration, who are also the brilliant people that brought us the surprise I.D. check and the holding room. FYI: For those of you have no idea what I'm talking about, suffice to say that the lint in my dryer is smarter than the people running my school. *Only 28 days left* My Advanced Placement exams begin on Monday and I have four of them, so I might be a bit slow keeping up with my blog.

Anyway, as far as things at home, my mom is going to try to go off painkillers for a while and see how much pain she actually feels as opposed to how much pain she thinks she feels while on the drugs. We all miss Ridglea a lot, but "Oh well" seems to be the attitude everyone in my family has been taking about it. I finally got a prom dress, but tailoring it is going to be a pain (for all of my female readers: never, never, never, ever wish you had a large chest if you don't, its a curse and a damn near impossible task to find clothing)Our car will be in the shop getting repairs from the car accident I got into on the fourteenth for another three weeks or so, so I'm pretty much stuck at home until then. Yup, just stuck sitting here with my thoughts.

When my mind races, there's no stopping it. Its a really scary thing when you drive yourself mad, when the only thing you're scared of is yourself and you can't do anything about it.

I never exactly think slowly, in fact, I speak so fast most of the time that my speech becomes slurred. Its crazy, I spit out an attotesla of ideas a second and no one understands what I'm saying. I suppose it doesn't matter, no one understands what I'm saying when I verbalize at a normal rate either, mostly because they usually don't care to listen.

I'm not a genius (well, technically by I.Q. standards, I am, but I don't believe in those kind of measurements for that very reason, they claim that idiots like me are brilliant minds) but I am consumed by my own thoughts and ideas to the point of pure madness. I once made the comparison of how I think to how I think others think to Dennis. I told him that on a regular day, my head was like a stock ticker, an idea flashes before me and is immediately forced out by the next one, like a scrolling marquis. On days like today, its like I've been thrown into the middle of the New York Stock Exchange floor, thousands of those tickers around me. I'm thinking about literally 10+ things at the same time and then, almost instantly, those ten things roll of the ticker and new ones appear.

My three favorite movies, not surprisingly now that I think about it, are "Amadeus," "A Beautiful Mind," and "Phenomenon" and I just realized why.
Comments ()
ELEMENTARY WATSON, ELEMENTARY
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute."Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Comments ()
DENNIS

I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

Baby, thank you for staying with me last night. I love you.

Dennis blew off his friends to be with me last night when I needed him, only to sit and do nothing (and I know how much he wanted to see his buddies.) I feel so safe when I'm with him, so peaceful, the rest of the world just disappears, its wonderful. If I could spend my whole life just lying in his arms, I would do it in a heartbeat. He's amazing. I love him, I hope he realizes how much.

I'm still feel scared though, isn't that horrible? I suppose I don't feel scared, rather I feel really guilty. I know he loves me, but I worry that I might exhaust that, he's had to do so much for me lately and what have I done for him? Nothing. Little by little, this feeling that he's doing these wonderful things for me because he feels obligated to or because he feels pity for me instead of because he loves me grows. Aren't I horrible, he doesn't deserve to have been cursed with me. If I loved him, I would've let him go out with his friends, I try to put his happiness before mine, I really do, but I was so selfish last night...I've been really demanding of him lately...

You know, I think all of this stems from a fear of commitment...I'm not ready for this and I'm so frightened.

Comments ()
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough; it takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for high school. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.
Comments ()
WILL IT EVER END?
We had to put my dog, Ridglea, to sleep this morning.
Comments ()
THE NON-EXISTENCE OF GOD
I got home tonight to find my mother writhing in pain from her surgery, tossing and turning and moaning on her bed. She'd taken her Morphine pill only an hour before I arrived so she couldn't take any more; I've never felt so helpless in my entire life. I wanted to take all the pain away from her, I would've taken it in her place, I really would have. I crushed up some Tylenol for her and helped her wash her mouth with baking soda and salt and she started to relax a bit, stopped all the tossing and turning. I would've taken it in her place in a heart beat, she doesn't deserve it; she doesn't deserve any of it. I want to pick up the phone and start dialing, but I swore I wouldn't. What good would it do anyway, I suppose.
Comments ()
BOOK-A-MINUTE
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Angst angst angst swear curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society sucks, and I'm a stupid jerk.
THE END

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
History controls everything we do, so there is no point in observing individual actions. Let's examine the individual actions of over 500 characters at great length.
THE END

Check out Book-a-minute. Its funny, see the link on the left.
Comments ()
AND I THOUGHT THIS WEEK WAS OVER...
Something happened in our bathroom and it resulted in the flooding of our garage. My sister, Nicki, apparently knew about it last night and told my mom. MY MOM?!? She's recovering from surgery, she's on loads of painkillers, and she can barely move, what the hell could she have done about it? So then, Nicki left to spend the night at her friend's house, leaving my dad and me to discover it this morning. My dad picked her up from her friend's place this morning and as they were pulling up to the house my sister said "Oh yea, our sink is overflowing." Brilliance, sheer brilliance.
Comments ()
MY GENIUS
My grandmother announced to everyone this evening that her sister had been diagnosed with Cellulitis; its not surprising actually, my grandmother has a compulsion to tell everybody everything. Anywho, my dad asked my grandfather (a retired doctor) what Cellulitis was exactly and after he'd answered, I chimed in "and its often mistakenly diagnosed as necrotizing fasciitis." My grandfather looked at me kind of flummoxed and my father looked at him as if to ask if my statement was valid and after a moment of silence, my grandfather's astonished look disappeared and he asked me how I knew that. "I know everything," I told him. "When will everyone believe me?" Oh, it was classic. Just another example of all the weird stuff I have stored in my head.
Comments ()
TO BLOG OR NOT TO BLOG
I'm not sure just what I'm going to use this blog for; I don't think anyone wants to read about my daily life, so a journal/diary seems oddly pointless, but I have neither the time or inclination to write essays on current events, who am I to write about such things anyway? For now, until my muse presents me with a better idea, this will just have to be a combination of the aforementioned possibilities. I promise, my entries will be better in the future, but I wanted to make sure I had an entry for today.

WARNING! Instead of writing the events of my week (forget the destruction of all my clothes, my car accident which has rendered my mom's car undrivable, and my mom's most recent cancer surgery) this entry will be a jump off the deep end...welcome to my world.

I think I have only one great fear in life, being lonely. In that last week, all I've felt is fear, that fear. I consider myself a rational, intelligent person, but phobias and fears in general are irrational and I find myself thinking irrationally when it comes to loneliness. For example, I have an irrational fear of losing my boyfriend. He loves me, I love him, I know both of these things, but I wonder constantly if he's happy the way things are, if I'm fulfilling all of his needs. I guess it's because no one's ever asked that about me, with the exception of my family and even that's sporadic.

Continuing with the boyfriend thing, I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately about how selfish I've been with his time. I have stop calling him so much, I'll drive him crazy one day if I haven't already. He's amazing. He's reading all this right now nodding and thinking to himself "I knew that about her."

The weather is finally getting warmer, school is almost over and college is in sight. Sometimes I think it's the possibility of what could happen that keeps people where they are. Am I happy or am I hopeful?

But in the present, what's everybody been up to lately? I've tried to make plans with nearly everyone I know in the last month and no one seems to be free or interested. Now I know I'm not the only one with nothing to do at the end of senior year! C'mon guys, if you have the time to read my pathetic excuse for a blog, then you have time to call me!

So, Israel killed the new Hamas leader; that outta calm things down in the Middle East.

P.S. As I briefly mentioned before, all of my clothes were tragically destroyed last weekend. If anyone would like to make a donation to the "Samantha Desperately Needs New Clothes Fund" give me a call.
Comments ()
START THE TOUR
I am formally welcoming myself to the world of the internet; yay, I have personal space. This blog shows some promise, but seeing as I am learning HTML as I go, it could be some time before I produce anything truly astounding. I've spent 6+ hours tinkering with it so far today and have yet to make an official post (which was, of course, the point) so here goes:

My name is Samantha, and though my age seems hardly of any relevance, I am seventeen years old. I've lived in New Jersey since I was thirteen and before that I'd lived in Oklahoma, Illinois, Texas and Connecticut; I'll be making another move to Washington, D.C. (the first I'm looking forward to) in four months for college and am practically counting down the seconds until I start packing boxes.

Alright, for now, that concludes the history part of our "The Grand Life of Samantha" tour...if you look to your immediate left, you'll see the present. (I never said I was funny.) Anyway, as far as daily life goes, less and less seems to happen as my senior year wears on, but my life is what it is, and there is rarely no story to tell. I'll take this time to remind you that the truth is often far stranger than fiction. The town I live in is, well, the town I live in. Fortunately, twenty minutes away lives my amazing boyfriend of almost fourteen months, Dennis, who I love completely. He's wonderful. I can't finish my first post without quoting his from his blog months ago:

"I have a beautiful girlfriend. I mean gorgeous, guys. I'm talkin' mouth-watering, jaw-dropping, tongue-rolling-out-on-the-floor-while-your -eyes-bulge-out-and-your-ears-smoke-and-you-hear-a-big-aoooga!-outta- nowhere-like-in-looney-tunes hot. And she's smart, too. And funny. I wish I could post a picture of her up here. I really do. But she'd kill me. So I guess I'll have to keep her beautiful body to myself. She also lives 30 minutes away, which kinda sucks. But it's worth it."

It really is worth it. Ok...I'm done with the corny stuff, and everything else for that matter... its late..that's all....g'night.
Comments ()

Contact Me